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Survivors Poetry

Many survivors have fed back to us that writing or sharing poetry can be very healing. We would like to invite you to express yourself and share any poetry you have here with other survivors.

Please feel free to post your poetry here or maybe just read some of the work that has already been published. Please note that some of these poems may trigger you or have an effect on you - take care of yourself when reading them and ensure you have support around you.

Please note that this poetry is moderated before being published on the site.

Publish Poetry

Stale Cigarettes

I don't really know who you were, but I remember how you smelled.

Your flannel jacket reeked of this, etched into my mind like rotting food.

It permeated my nostrils with every embrace; I recoil internally when I smell it.

Everyday when I step outside, I'm hit with a heavy, oppressive wave of smoke clouds everywhere I go. My coworkers reek of months and years of stale smoke.

I'm transported to a different time;

Suddenly, I'm 5 and in my living room again, sitting on the floor.

The carpet is purple, and I'm playing old, cheap video games. Everything inside smells of stale cigarettes.

Including you.

Anonymous posted on 20/04/2024

My friends are doing so well. I am so proud of them.

I suddenly see where I am at, how far away from my dreams. But I guess that’s like comparing the Earth to the stars.

I am so proud of myself. I just have got so much left to give.

This is the first time I’ve sobbed in years.


Releasing the energy. The tension. The hurt. The love. Just releasing everything until all I’m left with is me.

Everything I’m left with is me.

Everything I’m gaining is me.

Healing is a verb. The process to heal. It’s a process, a movement, a feeling, a thought, a collection, a heart, a story, a person, a life, a colour, a number, a smile, a loss.

To heal is to be me.

That’s scary.

But to not be me. Is to never see.

Anonymous posted on 17/04/2024

There was a young girl that I once knew,
You took her from me and you buried her too.
You left her to drown in darkness and pain,
And once she was gone I was never the same.
You see, I needed this girl that you took from me ,
She was helping me to grow to who I needed to be.
She was innocent and kind and full of dreams,
Something that sadly you could not see.

When you took her from me it left a big hole,
A hole in my heart, my head and my soul.
My body gave in, I started to break,
My emotions were hidden, my smile was fake.
I became someone else, but not the real me,
Just a stranger that people expected to see.
Who was this woman who laid in my bed?
I needed to find the young girl instead.

But I knew she was gone, she was broken and destroyed,
A fault of your own which you brutally enjoyed.
So with this hole in my head and my soul and my heart,
I tried to push on instead of restart.
I locked away the fear, the sadness and shame,
Not knowing it would return again and again.
I buried the memories deep in my mind,
As deep as I could so there's nothing to find.
Years passed by and my body was growing,
Convinced myself they were better off not knowing.
Forced to live alone with the pain and the voices,
The shame and the fear, the regret of my choices.

Sixteen years on I became a mother,
I felt a new kind of love, a love like no other.
I held a young girl, so innocent and free,
Just like the girl that you took from me.
I needed to protect her and keep her safe,
To ensure her heart and soul stays in place.

So I'm ready to face this trauma head on,
And I'll start by searching for the girl that was gone .
She will help me to rebuild, help me to heal,
And then I will forgive you against your will.
Then I'll guide my girls using my peace and my scars,
So they can take on the earth, the moon and the stars.
They will love their selves, and be fighters too,
And they will never have to heal from another YOU.

Anonymous posted on 16/04/2024

Broken Girl
I’m not worthless.
It’s not my fault.
My shirt wasn’t too short.
I was not asking for it.
I did not deserve it.
I am not to blame.
He is not innocent.
He never should have touched me.
It’s ok that I can’t remember most of it.
It’s ok to trust again.
It’s ok to feel again.
All the numbness
Will all be worth it one day.
I am brave.
I am heroic.
And I am broken.
But broken things
Get out back together.
I don’t have to stay the broken girl.
YOU don’t have to stay the broken girl.

Anonymous posted on 12/03/2024

4 nights of no Sleep
4 nights og wishing it didn’t happen
4 nights of having to convince myself it’s not my fault
4 nights of repeatedly being reminded of what had happened
4 months of pushing it aside
4 months of thinking you felt sorry
And 4 days of knowing that you didn’t care
4 days of me being aware
4 seconds of bliss for you
For a lifetime of despair

Anonymous posted on 08/03/2024

I am a victim of rape
A term I cannot escape
I am bound by my dark past
Like a black storm overcast

My body was no longer mine
You stole, and crossed the red line
Impetuously subjecting
Abuse, without respecting

Merely a puppet in your hands
At mercy of your commands
The word 'no' did not exist
No matter how much I would resist

My body was your pleasure
Your stolen golden treasure
You played doctor in disguise
New 'treatments' you would devise

Merely a specimen for play
Cruel experiments each day
Inflicting hell, I learnt what to dread
Sadism. Rearing its ugly head

You relished in causing me pain
Revelled in each stroke I would sustain
Told me 'it's all for your good'
Left me lost and misunderstood

No need to threaten with a gun
Your enticing words had the job done
Soft silky manipulation
An illusion of loving protection

You're a sly beady eyed snake
Cautious, making no mistake
Moving slowly and methodically
I was blinded to the reality

Distraught, unable to comprehend
Friend or foe? Do I comply or defend?
Are your actions tender and caring?
Or selfish and demeaning?

Why did I not stand up and go
I wouldn't have been dealt a blow
I was not pinned down physically
But was chained emotionally

There came a vile point in time
That I thrived on it as downtime
I no longer needed to be cajoled
A willing participant out cold

Even through romantic actions
I wonder,  what were your intentions
Gut feeling, not about me - purely selfish
Self centred, your actions were hellish

Rape as a concept is perturbing     
It is abuse, simultaneously pleasing
You distorted facts until I was demented
Coaxing me to think i consented

What does it mean to consent
Deep black down, what was your intent
Your true desire was obscure
Confused. What did i really endure
You violated me to the core
Monstrous criminal breaking law
Leaving body hate and shame
Crushed dignity and self blame

Intertwined with burning anger and rage
Deep humiliation that won't age
Dark feelings of extreme betrayal
Despondency, self hate and Turmiol

Anonymous posted on 05/03/2024

scribble 20/2/24

Somebody ran away with her innocence and she had to fathom out why?

The world behaved SO cruel it made her want to die
Unless you’ve walked the pavement or the places where she was forced to sleep, you could never understand the traumas that she keeps.. she stores them in a sack shackled to her ankle .. Painfully SO Close!

She didn’t feel any sunlight, or the rain upon her face, life was a darkened room of despair but it was the only familiar place !

She understands now; that fault was never hers to own, or the behaviours of others….

a child left to roam!

Meandered through life reaching out for a hand, who could possibly rebuild trust in this kind that’s called man!

It may have been a while, pain pouring like a flood of forever ; who knows ?

One thing IS for certain is ….

“baby steps” of letting GO !!!

Anonymous posted on 20/02/2024

Broken survivor
As I sit in this lonely darkness, it’s becoming for me hard to decide.
Wether I am a survivor or broken inside. As my cigarette rises to the sky, I cry and a cry and sob, not sure why.

My tears later turn into fears, fears that I remember that once were so ffierce.

I think of my of my youth and I just want to run, to a place and set these feelings ablaze.
Burn them till they are nothing but ash.
Then scatter these ashes like pieces of me,
Pieces of me that will never be free.

If I am a survivor, then why do I crash? I try to hold on as these nightmares flash.
Seeing the monster that a loathe. I know in my heart I will always be both. Broken and a survivor.

Anonymous posted on 06/01/2024

youth deeply rooted in love, sunshine, connection
enveloped safe within hills, rocky earth, family, community
problems grew on safe ground

change in winds blew in from north
moved across country for second time
held responsible for mother’s pain
the new kid with a funny name
too tall, too big, too thin

endless shifting to serve parents’ broken journey
professional actress in training
loss of proximity to loving grandparents
cut off from sweet air that carried me as I grew
new family who didn’t include me as their own
family whom enabled a predator

mother loving yet distracted, insecure, angry
looking for reassurance from me
suddenly a supporting character in her story
her rescuer
battling a war I didn’t ask to be a part of
on grounds unfamiliar

father loving but distant
critical when I was struggling
not his helper at work anymore
my gut shouted mayday as brain ignored it
bigger house, grandiose titles, more money, expensive vacations
less family connection
no language to ask for what I needed

family pictures showed ideal images
serve the higher cause, I was told
yet hustling for connection
squeezing into an unfit mold
losing myself to find worth
looking outward for approval
saving while drowning
excusing behavior
trained to be a referee
not coach of my own team

50 years old now
children grow beautiful yet show signs of decay
i walk down the hallway of my mother's house
the predator's face smiles eerily from the portrait wall
still honored as part of family tree
feet stop as truth slaps hard

the face is still there
mother has gone through decades of therapy
yet her claims of healing ring untrue
as i deeply recognize how she ignores my lens
as i deeply recognize her instruction to rise above & forgive
blurred message

i am sacrificial lamb on family unity altar
forced to abandon my roots so that my mom could prove her worth
so that dad could be assigned a fancy title
i am not the one to blame
i don’t need to see the other side of the coin
or simply understand the context

i need to see my side for the first time
her choice to keep the legacy of pain alive
how do I accept that I cannot heal my mother
how do I accept that I cannot change my mother

i will walk away
protect my world
my life matters too
i will no longer sprout branches connected to this cracked root

i will grow a wide tree with protective branches
forge new seeds
solid wood
long reach
blossoming thick leaves
healthy connections
carry fresh oxygen to my children's lungs

i will abandon myself no longer.

Anonymous posted on 21/10/2023

Darkness of the past

I talked about you ….
The darkness of someone that I knew.

One day I saw you…
Too scared so I ignored you.

In safe arms I was given permission to feel you but I fear you!

As I slowly lose control and in flashbacks I see you.
Flashbacks of the past and emotions buried deep inside.

You wanted to be seen?!?
I see you in the tears that roll down my face.
I see your fear, when I look at my trembling hands:l.
I feel your pain, as I struggle to catch my breath.

Scarred with scars that no one can see.
Ashamed of the past I carry within.

Anonymous posted on 12/10/2023

I am consumed by anger when it hits me
I never can be sad, or shed tears
Maybe I learned it from my father
Maybe I learned it from me
What does someone do with a wound that you can not possibly heal
I am stuck in that room
I am stuck in that day
I am stuck in a cycle of hatred
I have purged his existence from my life
Yet my mind remembers
And I cannot purge my mind

Anonymous posted on 10/10/2023

November 22nd
That’s when I turned 12
My first year in middle school
My first time I had a boyfriend
My first time I had group of friends
The first time I felt like I belonged
The first time my sister wanted to hang out with me
The first time I lied to my mom about going out
The first time I been in a motel
The first time I drunk
The first time I was too tired to wake up
The first time I had no control
The first time I was raped
I was 12
November 22nd
That’s when I turned 18
The first time I truly liked a girl
The first time I I died my full head
The first time I went out without being scared
The first time I failed a class
The first time I didn’t know what was wrong with me
The first time I was really going to kill myself
The first time I opened the door to what happened to me
The first time in a crisis center
The first time being able to breathe again
My first time seeing hope
I was 18

Anonymous posted on 19/07/2023

Hush now,
you obsessive thoughts,
spiteful daydreams of a single inkling
that zipped through my mind, a tiny fathom of an awful anxiety,
wild, vibrant and violent,
yet you do not ring true!

Hush now!
Invalid intrusive thoughts,
Weighing heavy on mine mind,
Spinning tales and yarns of self depreciation that mask my unashamed low self-worth,
I said, I know you do not utter a word of truth.

Please Hush now!
Shameful suicidal thoughts,
Triggers of past events, triggering ideas a new making me remember the old and regained fear, that heavy feeling of being blue, I do not want you to be true!

Why won't you Hush now?
I'm sleep deprived, rundown, feeling tired and paranoid, for self-worth, what is that? At the bottom I stare up, to the top of this lonely pit, the darkness creeps in, I'm too tired to fight this reoccurring process,
is what you're saying,
is it really?
Is it true?

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2021


I close my eyes,
I feel every ache and twinge in my body,
It growls, it clicks,
The irony that a good night's rest would do it wonders.

I open my eyes,
They wonder across the wall lined with many of my lived stories,
Possibilities favour for memories to pop in, to divert, to ponder,
If I could just keep a straight line of thought,
Maybe I could just drift off into a fantastical dream.

I toss and turn,
More clicks and aches,
Oh what magic a good night sleep would have mind and body.
I change the lighting, my positions, sides of the pillow and strip throughout the darkening night,
If only routine helped the insomnia, but my mind is but a rebel.

I close my eyes,
I wish I was one of those who could just drift off into a mindless refuge of nod,
But not for my rebel mind,
I must have every thought to be had before the night is through.

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2021

A conversation with my mind

Turn down the lights,
Put down the phone,
Turn off the TV,
No tablet's or tech,
I need to talk to you!

We can't keep going on like this,
You are taking all of my time,
I need to sleep or at least rest,
I don't think this is working!

I need control of my head,
We need to reassess equal occupation and divide of this here mind.

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2021

The struggle

Struggling, not recognising myself, not empathetic to my self or my story, my worth or my esteem, I'm sinking... But I'll never let myself reach the bottom again
I've got possible dreams, they are just hidden by this fog, hazey, bogged down by the depression, darkness, with what looks like rays of light, shimmering beams of hope...
Soon I'll catch one of these.
I'll climb out of the pit and up, up, up... I'll see my reflection and say, there you are! I recognise you, it's me!

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2021

This Vessel, Mine Body.

Our bodies are the structure of which the skin holds us lovingly, it is the map that tells the stories of the life we have lived,l so far, the loves we have loved, the pain we have endured.
Mine so happens to be illustrated beautifully also.
I've endured trauma and tried to shrug it off, but my body wears it like a series of heavy chains wrapped around mine shoulders., But slowly I become stronger after battling with my fragile brain.
For to define ourselves by our pasts or our present is to Limit our futures, your vessel is your transportation to your limitless future, take back your body, mind and soul, it's your life for living. Your body is your rocket ship to transfer you to a endless possibilities and further empowerment, embrace your weird, your wonderful, your you!

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2021

Why would you do this?

Why would you do this?
Why are you not behind bars?
Why did you give me scars?

Rape is rape,
do you need it defined
are you blind?!

You know what you have done
and you pretend it was fun?!
You are kidding yourself
and fooling the world.

All this constant lying
has had me crying.
I know what happened.
Drugs were spiked and used,
I was abused.

You damaged me for years
bringing on trauma, stress, fears,
depression and tears.

Your tricks from the truth are known
and you need to own.
Admit your fault,
serve your time
and do no repeat this crime.

You need to know you are not a winner
My body, soul and spirit are mine
and I am more than fine.
I have a full life of success
aft r that mess.

So goodbye and never return
Otherwise you’d never learn.

Anonymous posted on 28/10/2021

I feel bad for your mother
Oh god
I feel bad for your mother
Not for the girl who sat beside you shaking on your birthday
Unsure of the words to use to curb your subtle coercion
The girl who feels a fraud for not yelling no instead of saying I’m not sure over and over before realizing her voice had been deafened by the buzzing of anticipation in his head
The girl who had to say yes because surely no was not an answer he would accept
And who was she to deny him on his birthday
And oh
How his mother must hate me
And the temptation of my body that I was so selfish to put on display
Instead I will internalize that moment
And embrace the nausea that boils in the pit of my belly each time our eyes lock in the halls

Anonymous posted on 02/10/2021

on mars

is it my fault i have potential i cant live up to,
or is it yours?
or is it my fears?
or something undiagnosed?
what makes me keep coming back here?
everything but you.
in this place i revert to a child
lock my broken door
cover my head with a pillow
sing to drown out the yells and violent sounds.
i cant heal that terrified child still hiding here
i can only take her away
i have to get out
i'm so ashamed to be so trapped
why have i grown into nothing?
a flower that shriveled before it bloomed
constantly afraid of you
i wish i could go back to blaming myself
before i recognized it wasn’t my fault
i wish i had somewhere else to go
someone else to trust
i wish i could focus on something else
anything else
remember who i was outside here
live like everybody else
find my home and calling
i cant do that here
shadowed in the threat of you

Anonymous posted on 29/09/2021

“My world” he would say... “You're my world.”
But to be someone's world is a lot.
Even for me…
I was 15 I didn’t know he was gaslighting me
I was only 15…
I was young so how was I supposed to know that what he did wasn’t out of love.
He was 16.
I didn’t understand the meaning of him saying that im his world.
When I think of being someone's world I think about being their top priority...
For him I was not.
“I don’t want people to know we are together, you know cause it's no one's business about who I date.” “But you're my world.”
“Ohhhh Shut up… I’m tired of you repeating yourself.”
We were both thinking the same thing but in different scenarios.
For me I was tired of hearing the “You’re my world” speech every five minutes of being with him… But for him he was tired of hearing the word “stop.”
“My world” he would say… “You’re my world.”

Anonymous posted on 01/09/2021

Slowly, then suddenly
Everything turns dark, dark.
Everything that held beauty and colour before,
Now becomes unapparent
I can see an ugliness to everything
The objects, the room,
The situation
And most of all myself.
Shine a beautiful light on it all.
Acknowledge the dark, for without it
There can be no radiance
Fear not the chaos,
For within it lies the star of order.
Allow not your mind to polarise,
Terror and wonder.
Joy, compassion, grief and sorrow,
Glorious, most precious beauty,
Moment, Harmony, symphony
Universal cacophony of planets crashing, colliding
Black holes
Explosions of light.

Anonymous posted on 30/08/2021

Hold Me

Evil can’t be denied
Dwelling deep inside
The monster that you hide
Born from all those tears you cried

You can never tell
Silence is your cell
Your monster knew this well
Behind you now in mirror’s hell

Never again the same
Playing their little game
A life of shame
A world of blame

The dark you see
Will never leave
Pain will forever be

But I will hold you

If you hold me

Anonymous posted on 12/05/2021

They Think They Win

It’s always there - the feeling - is always there.
It’s there in the morning, it’s there all day, and it’s there at night.
It’s there when you’re happy, when you’re sad and when you’re anything in between.
It’s there in the late-night panic attacks.
It’s there in the bottom of all the bottles.
It’s there – at the root of the depression.
They think they win.

It’s there when we want to be alone.
It’s there when we need someone to comfort us.
It’s there when we want to give up.
It’s there when we need to find something to keep us going.
It’s there in our words, our thoughts, our lives, our writing, our singing, our everything.
They think they win.

They took something from us.
They took everything from us.
They took our trust, our happiness, our contentment, our future.
They took our security, our hope, our dreams.
They think they win.

They gave us something too though.
They gave us Strength. With a capital S.
We have Strength and we keep going.
They think they win.

We are still here.
We carry on. We fight the fight every day.
They still think they win.

We stay here.
We survive.

We win.

Anonymous posted on 06/05/2021

I will Stand tall

I’m the house you pass
The one you never see
The door left unopened
Hidden by the key

I’m the tree unnoticed
My branches thick and wide
The shimmering light in my leaves
I’m Desperate not to hide

I’m the flower, the one unamed
The one you can’t recall
Never quite standing out
Not remembered, not at all

I’m the cup you always use
Your favourite mug to bare
Until a friend or neighbour comes
Then out will come the spare

I’m only there for comfort
When things are hard I’m near
I warm your hands and listen hard
I catch your every fear

When times are good I’m set aside
No longer am I needed
My comfort and my heart
Discarded, advice not heeded

Until the day the rain falls hard
That door you finally open
I’m the mat you step on
Crumpled worn and broken

But still I give and try to trust
My branches thick and wide
Lending you protection
Moving pain and hurt aside

I’m that flower the one unseen
Im bright, I’m big, hello!
Waiting to be found and picked
Not buried deep below

Anonymous posted on 02/04/2021

The scars were deep within

It felt like showing them would be a sin

All of it was under false pretences

I clearly didn't sense it

I was manipulated and abused

I most certainly wasn't confused

This was really happening

Not something I was imagining

I finally woke up from this nightmare

Then realised there were lies everywhere

I thank God for saving me,

Saving me from the monster who only knew how to scare.

Anonymous posted on 17/03/2021

I say "NO!"
Yet my words are overthrown

Anonymous posted on 25/02/2021

If only I had not carried YOUR guilt and shame
That caused me a lifetime , full of struggle and pain.
I lived my life with dissociation and constant fear,
Wasting so much energy and shed buckets of tears.

I was rescued by those at Survivors in Transition ,
Who showed compassion and always willing to listen .
Releasing the truth of all I had survived ,
I no longer live in fear, I am glad to be alive.

Anonymous posted on 28/01/2021

52 years old,And now I know,I'm 52 years old..but I gotta go...to get away from .pain and sadness panic & madness..I dont wanna be alone..I've been falling for so long just being able to hang on...I laugh I pretend that I'm just like u ..And no one knows inside I'm unloved,I'm worthless and untrue , my mother didnt want me...so none of u will too...I must be broken useless & not fit to be ..wen all along I know that this is not me ..I have so much love inside me,caring for people who so deserve to be..I'm 52 and I now know,I'm worth it,loved and free

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2020


I’m learning again
That the word “no” has validation
Even when I whisper it.

Anonymous posted on 02/12/2020

The Pinch and the Ouch

The Pinch

I am a little too alone.
I feel breath on my neck, maybe grateful for the force of his hand around my arm, Because I am lost but he knows where to go.
We’re tucked away, it’s quiet in the pink, pink in my eyes, it’s all pink, black.
Hand still around my arm, tighter this time. Now I’m spinning.
Can someone help me stop spinning?
His body forces mine against rocks, blanching the delicate skin on my back.
I watch the crimson trickle slowly down my thigh and onto his hand.
His raging breath dances out and is caught in my hair.
It smells like cigarettes.
I’m shaking from the chill
He doesn’t like that. Twist harder. Hit. Hit.
My tongue is met with rusty sweat as his hand covers my face.
He can’t look at my face.
His fingers press deeply into my chest, squeeze.
Smells like cigarettes, his teeth meet my neck.
Nimble fingers paint my skin pink, red, purple.
As my eyes submit and drop closed I tear away from his grip in the pink and black.
But my limbs are sand, at once heavy and delicate,
As though a breeze might send me crumbling. I’m trying not to crumble.
And as my eyelids flutter his body is still tangled in mine
My body sparkles with pink, red, purple, more vibrant with each parched breath.
Am I crying out?
Tastes like cigarettes.
I’ve never had a cigarette.
My chest bubbles with panic so turbulent it courses through my body like
A wave, he crashes into me, neck damp as his trials have spent him.
He pulls away from me, his hands tighter around my thighs
My pillars of sand give way and send me to the ground ?
I wrench my eyes up towards the pink light and find his instead,
Weak blue moons that glow without feeling.
He reaches down and shoves my face into the concrete,
He doesn’t want to see it, varnished with hot tears.
Outside the pink and black it is still too loud.
Pink and red, and purple and blue perfect hands on my legs, arms, face.
My sand-filled limbs carry me to the street and into a cab.
The driver's eyes search my own and then drop, ashamed.
He says nothing.

The Ouch

It wasn’t my fault.
But it didn’t happen to the good girls,
It happened to me,
Because I’m the kind of girl that happens to.

Anonymous posted on 22/10/2020

It's been a while
A lot has changed
For the better
Oh god for the better.
And I can leave it there
For no matter how far I can go,
That distance done
Is enough
Enough to feel proud of
I did it
I live.
No not but
And to get to that point
That point that I hope
What should I do?
Theres still the pain
When they say it will always be with you
It doesn't make sense
Cause for years it wasn't just with me
It was me
Now it accompanies
And it is,
Not an undercurrent but
In the air below
Little me is still there
She became separate when it happened
Forever stuck in time
I am rebuilt without her and around her.
I am built on more pain
So much more
Betrayal...by the person who should not
I am built on surviving
Keep going
For what I didn't know
But now
Now I can use that
It gave me space
Space to hope.

Anonymous posted on 15/10/2020

You don’t want to fall for a woman like me.
I have scars marked so deep that you can not see.
They are hidden away, buried beneath the skin,
How would I show you? Where would I begin ?

Do I begin at the start? Back to early years?
Do I begin explaining? What’s behind my tears?
Do I begin to uncover, each scar of my past?
Could I choke back warm tears, long enough to last?

If I began at those early years, showed them first?
Would it be easier? As they were the worst.
Would those that followed, not be difficult to show?
Would you still be the same? Even after you know?

Maybe once you’ve heard, and being able to see.
You may understand the reasons why I’m just me.
You’d start to understand, why I appear to be cold.
Learning each scar has a story, a secret untold.

Would you still look at me in the exact same way?
Would I still be as beautiful? As you saw me yesterday?
Do you still see that woman? That appears so strong?
Or a woman that’s weak? After being strong for too long.

Then could you still fall for a woman like me?
If I was to bare my soul, for only you to see.
If I told you how my innocence, was taken away?
Stolen more than once, then would you still stay?

Could you still hold me? And never let me go?
If I shared the painful truth, about years long ago.
Days and then months, slowly turning into years.
When I lay there in silence, freeing the hardest tears.

Each night laying alone, fear became my friend.
How long would it last? Would it ever end?
I was just a young girl. Laying frozen by fear.
Brown eyes tightly closed whenever I felt he was near.

I would force them closed, to pretend I was sleeping.
Laying like a statue, my heart would quicken it’s beating.
I’d let out a tear, for the sting to burn my cheeks.
Year after year passed by, this secret I did keep.

One that was so deeply feared, so it went on untold.
It began aged five, continuing until turning twelve.
This age came with change, from a girl to young miss.
Even then, four years later, it never left my lips.

Years went on and I saw changes and I learned.
All things right and wrong, soon the tables had turned.
Twisting and turning, in time that table did fold.
It left me broken, so my secret was told.

Word by word I spoke of the painful truth.
Of how a man I had trusted had stolen my youth.
I lost people that I loved, eventually my family fell apart.
Most looking away in disbelief, another scar etched on my heart.

This man was adored, even loved and respected.
He was battling an illness yet fought longer than expected.
Each year he fought on, the more I had struggled to hide.
We were told only months but in years he fought five.

Retaining all of his dignity, it was too hard to bare.
He wasn’t deserving after stealing mine all those years.
Why should I care? Or allow him that right?
Did he stop to care? When I had nightmares each night?

He had taken so many dreams, I was forced to see.
From an unfortunate age, life is a harsh reality.
Behind closed doors after a truth was finally spoken
I appear to be grown yet I’m a girl still broken.

Broken by betrayal, emotional victim of pain.
I refused to allow ‘victim’ , to be apart of my name.
Over time I found strength, I stood my ground.
I didn’t prove my truth, eventually people came around.

With each year that passed I grew to be strong.
I stopped crying and forgave him because I did no wrong .
I have good days and bad days, the nights can be dark.
But I’m here, I survived, I’m a warrior at heart.

A warrior knows who to trust, knows who really cares.
That’s the reason for sharing my scars and my fears.
Since I heard, I felt the words that you speak.
Now with my scars, you have my heart to keep.

My heart in your hands and the scars you will see.
Do you still want to fall for a woman like me?
Do you still want to be there in my best days and my worst.
Now I’ve bared my soul to show my deepest scar first?....

Anonymous posted on 01/10/2020

“This is how I feel”

This feeling won't go away,
This feeling of not being strong enough,
This pain,
it hurts,
Will it ever go away?
I don’t know anymore,
I feel lifeless,
Life less,
Empty inside and out,
Will I ever get past this feeling of numbness of pain?
He won't remember me, will he?
I don't know.
I hurt him, didn't I?
No, I had no choice,
I told him that,
I told him I didn't want to break the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time,
He won't forgive me, will he?
He was hurt,
He fell in love,
I broke him,
Even after I promised I would never,
This Horrible pain inside me,
It's so powerful,
I can’t push it away,
It won't go away,
Will I ever heal the same,
Will I ever be the same,
Will I ever be happy again?
I feel like I deserve to feel like this,
I don't know anymore
Every time I try to move passed it,
“It always comes back as if it’s attached to my soul”
Am I not worth the fight?
Maybe not,
It’s as if i'm in a prison full of all my demons and mistakes I made in the past
I feel trapped like a zoo animal inside a stainless steel cage,
I feel hopeless,
I feel like i'm stuck,
I try to get better,
Be more happier,
But then my demons give me a reason not to be happy anymore,
I become this empty,
Dead person inside and out,
“I feel like I will never escape this hideous painful world we call life”
I hide things from people,
Important people who mean everything to me,
Certain things that I'm scared to tell ppl about,
I'm scared to tell them how I feel inside,
How I feel,
I feel scared,
I’m afraid that I will never be happy again,
Never be careless again,
Never escape this pain we call
The depression cycle of life,
That’s how I truly think 24/7!

Anonymous posted on 24/09/2020

Simple Joys
Simple joys for little girls are...
Hearing the ice cream truck...
Playing jump rope...
Sleepovers with friends...
Simple Joys...
Simple joys for little girls
Simple joys are not...
Feelings of guilt and shame...
Being fearful...
Not being able to trust...
Feeling confused...
Simple Joys for little girls...
Simple joys are...
Having rights to healthy relationships..
Having rights to making health decisions..
Having people who genuinely care and support you.
Understanding that NO. is a STATEMENT.
Simple Joys for little girls

Anonymous posted on 16/09/2020

Silenced by Shame
I was sexually abused,
For years I felt dirty, empty and used.
There were times I felt I wouldn’t make it out alive. I learned an important skill.
It was how to survive.
I was shown a side to life,
No child should be forced to see.
The fear and the shame silenced my voice. Until the day I realised I had done nothing wrong. My abusers were to blame.
It was they who had committed these awful crimes.
I had to shout out loud time after time.
Tried to make them all listen whilst taking the blame. It was hard, and the cost felt high.
Abandoned by family and feeling alone. This was my time to feel important.
To take care of me like no one else had done. To remember me, that innocent child.
I deserve to take back my life, it is mine. The guilt and the shame,
they were never mine.
I am no longer their victim! I made it out alive!
I am here!
I am strong!
And I bloody survived!

Anonymous posted on 29/08/2020

I am ME!

Anguish and turmoil, churning inside me,
I’m sick, confused, exhausted, perplexed,
my heart and mind shaking with insecurity
my eyes leaking tears of worry, of dread.

I'm afraid. So much pressure on me now,
the stress causes my body to fold,
I cannot eat, I cannot rest, I cannot cope much longer.
I ask why… just why. Why could you not have loved me?

Life is changed forever, in the chaos of my mind
there is a stillness in knowing, I can heal. I can recover.
Days, years? Decades or more? I continue enduring
and fighting for truth. The slow agony of your lies are over.

I’m not broken even though I feel so, I have strength.
You made me believe I needed you, you made me believe I was hopeless.
You cursed me, taunted me, shamed me and belittled me.
I was weak, but I escaped. Now the shivering reality of change has hit.

I don’t know how to live, I don’t know who I can be,
I try to make sense but so long has been spent surviving,
I think I’ve forgotten. Who am I? Who do I want to be?
Without you, I’m at peace. Without you, I am ME!

Do you think you still own me?

Do you think I am still afraid?
This scheme of yours
You sitting waiting for me to fall
Do you think I am so weak?

Lies and manipulation
The tools of your trade
Seep effortlessly from your lips
Your mind believes your made up world.

All you think of me
The weak, sick, troubled wife
So helpless, so dependant
You trampled and broke me

You underestimated me
You sorry old soul
I am more than you ever knew
And now you will see me

I am strong, despite my injuries
You tried to break me
But just wait and see
I’ll take you on, I’ll see you in court

How dare you even try this
You silly old fool
You think you can hurt me even more?
It's over! It’s done! You’ve killed my love for you.

You have no control over me anymore,
I’ve broken free, I am ME! Remember?
Capable, able, don’t try to touch me now
Don’t you even dare.

I’m done sitting in the shadows, hiding, feeling ashamed.
Here is my voice, I am speaking
Get out of my way now.
I decide my life!

Anonymous posted on 09/08/2020

boys will be boys

“youre asking for it!”
those words stuck in her brain,
the bane of her existence,
as im running my finger across the hem of my shorts,
i have no control,
when i chose to wear them i handed my body to him for that one long second,
the second time was worse but,
boys will boys,
and girls grow up fast.
no, catcalling not a compliment,
no, dont touch my ass,
o n e i n f i v e.
and while she cries,
his friends give high-fives,
but he ruined her life,
why wasnt he punished?
why to we teach women to hide,?
why do we teach boys thats “no means yes”?
why did i have to learn to cover up when i was 9?
why are we ignoring this?
because this isnt fine.

Anonymous posted on 07/04/2020

nothing will make these feelings go away,

it happened because of you when you forced me to stay,

you abused my trust and then you abused my body,

and not once have you said sorry.

pain like ive never felt before,

as you held me face down on the floor,

the tears rolled down my face, i no longer made a sound

you had control, pound, pound, pound.

your smell and taste i will never forget,

do you feel no regret?

the brusies may have faded and the night may no longer be

but the memories left behind will always haunt me.

i was once a person i was once me,

and now im dead inside and half the person i used to be.

Anonymous posted on 10/02/2020

Years Have Past

Years have past
Pages of my life written
My face has changed
My family grown
That little girl inside my head
Has shown her face
Come out from the dark
Taken of that mysterious mask
Shared her story
Bared her soul
That little girl doesn’t have to hide anymore
The shame and guilt has lifted
‘I haven’t done anything wrong’
No more secrets and lies
That little girl doesn’t appear frightened so much anymore
That little girl has told me it’s ok
She can be apart of my memories
Not trapped anymore
She has taken my hand and said I can let go
I can see a future free of him
And those that let him be…
Regoinse my differences and celebrate them
I was aloud to share my story
Never was I judged
I trusted
I was shown that I’m ok
Shown I can live without his shame and contempt
I feel free because I have been shown
That I’m ok I’m not weird
You have helped free me from my internal prison
Let me see I’m worthwhile
It’s never to late…
From the bottom of my heart
And from that little girl
You have given me the hope I so desperately needed
Taken me on a journey deep and buried
A journey I was so ready for
Years of silence and pain
You have set me free
Thank you…
By Hollie

Anonymous posted on 29/01/2020

Her body and armour served her well as she moved from pillar to post,
The broken smile hidden to even those comrades who knew her indeed the most,
They commented on her spirit, her captivating glow,
But the fragility of her heart and being, only did she really know.

She allowed the tyrant to rule with poison and control,
On the battleground she remained desperate for something real within his soul,
In this war she was not laden with visible, ugly scars,
She was a master at shielding vulnerability, hidden by her laugh.

The soldiers went around her with their duties and their ways,
Wonderful as they were, but thinking she was always okay,
Never really knowing the extent of her personal war,
She ensured the fall outs with the tyrant was seen as minor, nothing more.

Families and the media cast an interest, as they always do,
With propaganda she and the tyrant were united, thus he continued to slip on through,
There were those who were of course perceptive and watched with their wise eyes,
Who begun to dig deeper, to question the ever growing barbwire of lies.

But with her ability to emulate happiness and amongst troops raise morale,
The majority would accept the stories she would subsequently tell,
The years stumbled on and the war was beginning to take its toll,
Fighting for a tyrant, she was trapped in his toxic hell hole.

It's always your fault, if I die it's on your head,
Said the tyrant to his subject as she wept on his supposing imminent death bed,
And she continued to believe she deserved the gunshots to her heart,
That she made the tyrant worse, she was manipulative, a work of cuntish art.

The charismatic tyrant was able to recruit new soldiers well,
And in a moment of bravery she spoke the truth to his new personnel.
But to them she was so broken, so crazy and so jealous,
And so she withdrew to the status quo, for all was hopeless.

She plodded through the toxicity in vain and despair,
Because the partial reality was indeed that she wanted him to show on some level he genuinely cared.

And while the tyrant continued to keep her close enough so she wouldn't walk away,
Feeding deceit to his subjects, tactically he was careful in what to say,
She resigned herself to a life where she was worthless and no good,
He was right, she was awful, damaged, ultimately dead wood.

Then that fateful night, when explosions lit up the sky,
Ironic it be November 5th when she looked at unpredictable anger within the tyrants eyes,
he decided his most broken soldier, so implicit in protecting his lies,
Needed a heavy gunshot to avoid his total, ultimate demise.

In the aftermath when the creeping dawn began to break,
The tyrant still winning, she knew it was too much for her to take,
She nodded when he said he would keep her safe and be the one to understand,
Don't trust others he said who claimed they are a helping hand.

And as she sobbed in her fear, it was time to let the other soldiers know,
So when the tyrant calmed down and would as ever come back, she would this time really let go,
To not allow her soul be damaged beyond repair,
To not allow the emotional abuse keep her in utter, utter despair.

And with that in mind, her most faithful comrade was resolute,
In telling the tyrant to take away his toxic, poisonous roots,
Plant them amongst weeds where you truly, truly belong,
While I help pick up this soldier who was only guilty of loving you, who still believes she did wrong.

Although she is still wounded and her scars remain deep,
His actions and words memories so ingrained, so many she would rather not keep,
Just like the tales in Flanders field where the poppies blow,
Her vulnerability and honesty will allow her and others to remember, and with it slowly, but surely grow.

Anonymous posted on 09/12/2019

Though the years are finally passing and wounds are slowly healing
I still get on my knees kneeling as the days goes by or flashbacks reoccurring I learn to face what was but never allow it to be ignored sometimes a story never gets heard for the reasons of grief blame and shame we look upon society in ways we may not understand for we do not know peoples life’s they have lived scars will live inside at times we can not be fully healed but to live the life forward and not look backwards

Our voices will be heard even if shouted from
The roof tops
Let’s not leave things unsaid while we lay down at night in our beds peoples will break you but not let them break the hearts that’s in U
When them tears need to fall and the weight is to much go bare just remember there is peoples like me and you that care
Let’s not silence but give them
The sentence

Anonymous posted on 18/11/2019

Life in a Poem

Cosmos, hold on, upon an endless, superlative, universal, idiosyncratic, anthemic, eternal, gothic, feeling, boundless, quantum, supernova, listening station, ergo, wonderland, irreverent and quite misleading me to somewhere I can never revisit.

The dimension held me there once.
In a Red Dwarf.
Down the rabbit hole.
At the end of a comet’s tail, and atop of a witch’s broom.

Within a wily old oak, an owl to whit, to wooed, and burdened I laid, bloodied and forlorn: beneath its boughs long ago.

Clouds, buffer, sky, effervescent, blue, rays, blinding, clandestine, paradise, paradigmatic, dreamscape, Freud, Jung, analysis, love, hate, deplore, annoy, critique, escape, enliven me to a sacred, scared place of peace and sanctuary – I am hungry for such!

The ground protected me there once.
Upon a four leafed clover strewn expanse.
In the third dimension.
Amidst the wild, field mushrooms, and fairies there.
Down the hill, around the bend, a straight-jacket awaited me with open arms!

Man, quiet, strong, alpha, protective, defiant, brutal, solemn, solace, secretive, salubrious, sex, martyrdom, monied, weak, God like, humble, flawed, naked, contrived, structured closed, Neanderthal, paradoxical, antiquated, political, angst, I have loved them all, and lost.

Their embrace loved me there once.
In a bed.
On a car bonnet.
Behind the bins.
Next to my pimp.
With a packet of baccy and a Mars bar for keeps.

Truth, midlife, crisis, open, closed, eyes, awake, free, liberated, womb, genitalia, sore, used, abused, accepted, asleep, awoken, quiet, smiling, death, rebirth, awakening, illumination, laughter, ego-less, kind, gentle, solitary; at peace I stand beside the shore and welcome myself into myself.

Escape to myself, and other ways out.
Being is being, in the here and now.
Set myself free, untie the shackles.
Living my life as my soul doth desire.

Anonymous posted on 31/10/2019

Eyes watering but I'm not crying,
Heart is aching but it's not broken,
My mind is full but I try and empty it.
Life keeps throwing obstacles in my path but I blast through them.
I survive even when I don't want to

Anonymous posted on 09/10/2019

Tears of laughter,
Tears of joy,
Tears of utter delight,
I only know the feeling of
Tears of sadness tears of pain tears of anger tears of "will I ever be the same".

Anonymous posted on 09/10/2019

My eyes fill up but I can't cry,
I am strong not weak,
I am fearless not fearful,
I can take on the world but from the corner I hide in.

Anonymous posted on 09/10/2019


This may be hard to hear and feels like i am stating a streotype comment
But for all those surviors of sexual abuse
I just want to let you know your not alone
I know everyday is a sturggle to get out of bed
Constent worrying and pain
And the questions that wont let go
You just want to end it all
You think its your fault and even if the world was telling you its not your sitting there thinking Oh my god please just shut up
I understand that but just know its okay not to be okay
And i know you feel dirty and you want to hurt yourself
And even if i tell you dont do it your letting the monster win
It makes no difference
So what i am going to say is hold on tight i know the journey is painful
But once you reach it will be raimbows
The nightmares the flashbacks i know its painful
I know it hurts more then anything
But i promise you that as long as your safe
No hands will ever touch you again
I know its hard and cry all you want
But once your finshed be proud of yourself
Atleast your strong enough not to surppruse your feelings
The rapist does not own you
Your who you are not who you become after the rape
Life isnt at hault keep going
Your not alone.

Anonymous posted on 01/09/2019

You Helped Me.

You helped me to be stronger,
You helped me to be wiser,
You helped me to want to better myself,
You helped me to want to get my life back,

All because I managed to find my last bit of courage,
My last bit of strength,
My last bit of energy,
My last bit of life,

To leave you,
To leave all of the control you had on me,
To leave all of the manipulation,
To leave all of the constant abuse.

And now I am free to live my best life.

So thank you for helping me become better, stronger and wiser than you.
You made me feel like nothing but I'm not,
you are nothing without me,

And you know that, don't you?

Anonymous posted on 20/08/2019

You Helped Me.

You helped me be stronger,
You helped me to be wiser,
You helped me to want to better myself,
You helped me want to get my life back,

All because I managed to find my last bit courage,
My last bit of strength,
My last bit of energy,
My last bit of life,

To leave you,
To leave all of the control you had on me,
To leave all of the manipulation,
To leave all of the constant abuse.

And now I am free to live my best life.
So thank you for helping me become better, stronger and wiser than you.
You are nothing without me, nothing.

Anonymous posted on 20/08/2019

The Journey

Deep breath, sit down now
Truths unfold.
I doubt them all somehow,
These memories untold.

Shame, guilt, sadness hanging over my head.
Shrinking from those things that you did and you said.
Memories of a life that was normal, mundane.
“We fed you, we clothed you - how can you complain?”

But words shout loud and words hit hard
And kicks and hits and misplaced touch pierce like a shard
of glass and I’m a shell -
Hollow; echoing again and again - don’t tell.
What I knew becomes foreign with every memory I spell.

Echo again and again
Play the facts in refrain
Try to catch those feelings that hide and never stay the same,
That threaten and haunt and take away my name.

Deep breath, go back somehow.
Words trickle, I confess.
Sit down and find a way now
to make sense of this mess.

Anonymous posted on 31/07/2019

When the light leaves.
Breathing is tiresome.
The heartbeat quickens.
The body is burdensome.
Thoughts are menacing.
We are seperate.

When the light leaves.
People are adverse.
Hope is extinguished.
Anger is pointless.
Sadness prevails.
We are seperate.

When the light leaves.
We retreat. We medicate.
We sleep. We wake.
The light returns.
We start again.
But we are seperate.

Anonymous posted on 24/07/2019


a joy when i am alone
a sorrow in the midst of the crowd
happy hiding behind phone
trying to escape in people's loud

finding forest waves out of the blue
asking heart to stay and keep calm
i, myself keeps finding a clue
found no one even on the palm

am i born for this?
trashes are being thrown
never had a sigh of bliss
is garbage my throne?

all of a sudden i started to froze
all was nothing left of me
all i have is totally none
all i want is me be free

Anonymous posted on 24/07/2019

I didn't know today,
That i'd be sat here in this way,
This way i can't explain,
It's like a crushing internal pain,
And my body is so tired,
Not from excercize,
Just from being...
From opening & closing my eyes,
From inhaling and exhaling air,
Too tired to live,
Too tired to care,
Too tired to even brush my hair,
I smile through trembling lips
And i can feel the tears threatening to spill,
And i'm scared,
Please make my emotions stay still,
For if they show, they'll all ask why,
And i've no reason for wanting to cry,
It's just there,
And no, i can't explain why.

Anonymous posted on 14/07/2019

What good was choice
When he overruled me

What good was ‘no’
When he ignored me

What good was fight
When he overpowered me

What good was flight
When he outran me

What good am I
When he has ruined me

Anonymous posted on 13/07/2019

Vessel of Eternal Emptiness
{My Metaphor of Living with DID}

When this journey began for me long ago, I was the captain of my own vessel
Set Adrift on an endless voyage to a destination not yet charted

Now this ship is filled with many passengers; of all ages and genders
Who boarded my decks without my own awareness

Winds of change steer our course now
Storms of terror nearly capsize the entirety of us

Weary from years of turbulent seas~ *I relinquished control of the wheel
Now the passengers have become the captains; and I ~ only the vessel itself

The others take their turn at the helm
Some better when the seas are rough and choppy, allowing us to ride the waves out as smoothly as can be expected amidst such turbulent waters

Some sail us onward when the seas are calm
Their chance to feel the sense of command ~ if only for a moment

Others battle against each other ~ an ever-constant debate of who the most capable skipper shall be.

The hopeful among the passengers run to the wheel ~ in gleeful claims of a shoreline in view ~
Only to be taught once again by the raging seas ~ that only mile after endless mile of ocean lie ahead

Many have made attempts to capsize my vessel
Desperation overwhelming their souls
"Jump Over Board" *; "There is no rescue in sight"!
They plead for an end to this terrifying voyage that they see as one without purpose

And there are few of the younger guests who hide in the darkest corners
Fear of being in control at the helm paralyzing them
Begging for the rest to navigate and set the course for them

I am not by numbers an old vessel ~ I should be able to sail for decades more
But the journey has been so wicked
My hull and sides beaten and battered
Years on these rough waters have taken their toll on my structure

I have sailed through Mighty storms that have broken me down ~ some damage very visible to the eye
My exterior is torn , scars and broken pieces remain to leave us vulnerable
My interior *so damaged beyond repair that I will not carry smaller vessels within*

In years, I am relatively youthful ~ But, the course we've journeyed has left this ship in a state of disrepair and so few believe there is any value in helping to repair me ~ "Just too broken beyond recourse" is the mantra

So ~ I am left in the middle of these overwhelming whitecaps
Breaking the crest of one, only to be nearly capsized by yet another

A crowed, noisy, and broken vessel adrift on stormy seas ~
To a destination undetermined
Journeying on in uncharted waters

Sailing these seas in ever-present fear and danger of that final and ultimate wave crashing over us ~
Causing this splintered vessel to finally shatter completely and find its eternal resting place ~ forgotten at the bottom of these black seas.

Anonymous posted on 01/07/2019

She carries with her ~ Secrets....Such horrific , terrifying and heartbreaking Secrets. She has kept them locked away; far, far away in the deepest and darkest places of this shattered mind.

For over 20 years they have been only HERS to know....protection was always the priority. If the "rest" knew, it would destroy them. What a responsibility little one...too heavy a burden for such a young child to carry all these years.

Fear and shock at the horrors stole her voice...now mute, she struggles to "tell"; to open the sutured wounds of her soul and allow the toxins to pour out.

Exhausted, she fights to "tell" her story... but once again, no sounds come; her voice long since taken from her. And then ~ in the constant and forever darkness that only She can know ~ a tiny flicker of light. He sees her.

"Ashley, is that you girl? What are you trying to tell me? I see you Ashley. I see you."
Though her words remain trapped and her voice frozen ~ He wants to "hear" her. 

SO many secrets, held for SO many years, just yearning to spill forward. But...How? She struggles; her entire body fighting to just make the smallest, and most quiet sound.

How will He ever hear her?

"Write on my hand, girl. Write it out on my hand."

Such a simple idea; yet the immensity of it ~ beyond explanation.

And so...slowly, and with a hand shaking with fear and trepidation ~ she begins to trace the letters, one by one on the palm of this gentle stranger's strong hand. And, letter by letter, her story begins unfold.
He saw her.
And he heard her, though not a word was spoken.

Anonymous posted on 01/07/2019


I am the west wind that blows east
The moon that rises in the morning
And the sun that shines at night

I am the deciduous tree whose leaves never fall
The new born babe with the wisdom of elders
And the aged lady who sees the world for the first time

I am Royalty Who holds No Power
I am joy while others are mourning
I am the somber tears that fall during celebration

I am the meadowlark who cannot sing
A shore that is void of its’ sea
And, in agony, I rejoice as
Memories of you like windswept sand-
Are Always blowing by... here and gone again in an instant

I am eyes that only see in darkness
A forest without foliage
A tree devoid of leaves
A winding path without beginning, ending even before it starts

I am the world’s vocabulary, yet I speak no words
A scholar without education, knowledge, or study
I am a healer who unintentionally causes wounds

I am pain that cannot be felt
A merry young widow
The hopeless new bride

I am a galaxy without stars
A geographical map that offers no direction
I am a wearied traveler who has yet to leave home

I am a celebrity who no one knows
I am but a poor peddler without goods to sell
I am brave, but hide ,
I feel lost but want to be alone
I am hidden yet always found

I am a mother who never bore children
Your moment of deepest despair holding all your secret hopes
I am the coward who is called the hero

Completely Muted, My Thoughts are Loud
My voice has power, yet I cannot speak
Mine is the message that was never sent-
Unread and Undelivered
Yet received by all

A soul filled with elation that cannot smile
I am the deep scar with no history of a wound
Mine is laughter that causes others to cry

Am I Nothing More than a bird with a broken wing
Damaged, wounded...Yet unafraid to fly far and fly free
Or An isolated child with her innocence lost
An adult who craves to be rocked liked an infant
And comforted at whatever the cost?

Am I an entire team absent of other players
The odd, lonely stranger who everyone knows yet nobody acknowledges
Your neighbor next door that feels miles away

I am a teacher whose lesson teaches nothing
Or Am I The brilliant student who fails constantly
Failing to Succeed and Succeeding to Fail...

Why is it so?
I ask, as if there is someone who would actually know-
Denying the truth as I’ve done forever...
If someone figures me out, it will be the final blow.

I am backwards, upside down
I am inside out, reversed, and turned around ~
I am nothing you would approve of-
I am an ostracized freak,
In a world where conformity is required;
Where revolutionaries are doubted and feared

I am nothing, at all like the person you believe I am
But I am — most certainly — everything you view as a scam
I am fear, darkness, resilience, contentment, disgust, love, and hate
I remain nothing more than a fraudulent dichotomy
In a fragile, disconnected Mental State

I can be whomever you want me to be
I won’t fight you and I wouldn’t hesitate
I’d actually find some relief being someone you want me to be
To give another the authority of my Fate

True solace is long awaited; though I cannot change my reality to find it
I am becoming less and less “ME”
Praying, in desperation- prayers which are always ignored
It is I who must be the one to set myself free

I am the direct opposite of everything I’ve tried to escape
I want to warn people; paralyzed by the thought, my mind goes blank
I can not let them in to my world, my space , my heart
If I do, they will surely betray and destroy me
And once again...I will fall apart

I don’t want to be who they and she and he and everyone but me
Tells me I that I am
But time is running out and my options are thin
For just once... Can you not just let ME win

SO, WHO am I... viewed my own perspective?
Am I only a contradicting dichotomy
Fearing every time I take... that really I should have given?
Am I the very thing you fear?
Or is it perhaps that toying with me helps you live?

Am I the best thing you never wanted in your life?
Or Do my contradictions cut through your soul like a knife?
I want to be the Me they screamed I would never be-
Yet, their hateful and cruel words and deeds ~
Create the heartache within that becomes too real-
And with a flash of truth my somber mind betrays me

With Fear, Disgust, and Frustration I seethe-
Knowing a fact others cannot see
The only way to do that is to set myself free....

Anonymous posted on 01/07/2019

In the Dark Darkness surrounded me. no light could I see When I opened my eyes You where there to greet me Feeling of dread When I woke up in bed. Struggled and fought With thoughts in my head. I tried to cling to a positive time There in the dark nothing to find Scared and alone was losing my mind The darkness consumed me Stealing my soul. I had to escape the great black hole. Pain unbearable needed to go Just couldn't be in the dark anymore I went to sleep then With hope you'd come for me Take me too that light For all eternity I know now , it wasn't my time It was never meant to be Lord you saved me For you had other plans for me

Anonymous posted on 20/03/2019

A blackbird sings.
Rain enters my thoughts.
Briefly, I am here
In this.

My head leans on cloth.
Each fine thread is felt deeply.
My eyes search for slight irregularities
Within the fabric
close against my face.
I notice every strand.
As rain and birdsong
Continue on
I am here

Then that same insistent rain hardens against the window pane
A memory
Curls me tight
Into my past.

My body is a stone to be washed over.
My eyes stare
But can no longer see
The minute texture in the cloth.
My ears listen, alert to every cry of fear
But cut out each note of this new dawn.
I am no longer here.
Each part of me
hurts too much
For you
To hold me
In the way
I need
To be held.

Anonymous posted on 24/02/2019

The ocean looks stunning
In her presence
It reflects the sun set

The wind brushed the surface of the ocean
Creating a sound she longed to hear.
She sit still under the dusk
In front of her, the horizon
She placed herself on the shore
Enjoying the ocean reveal its beauty for her.

Anonymous posted on 20/02/2019

Motivation is something that has to come within
Someone can help you light the fire
But you’ve got to keep it burning
Cherish that flame
Don’t let anyone blow it out
You’re in control of how bright you

Anonymous posted on 04/02/2019

A pain.
A sensation.
Lurking for days,
Or sometimes a week.
Then the reality kicks in.
Not again.
No more please!
When will my body stop remembering?

I'm tired and weary.
As I know what agony lies ahead.
My breathing increases.
The panic begins.
The pain overwhelms me.
While my mind tries to block it coming.
I don't want to remember!
Enough is enough.
No more torment.

I tap or hold my head tightly.
Trying to hold the memory back.
Terror sets in.
I start to shake.
My heart is racing.
Pain soars through my body.
Where am I?
What is he going to do?

My mind and body join up the dots.
The pieces to the puzzle are falling into place.
No, no, no!
Please no!
My mind screams.
How I wish I could erase the memory.

It plays out.
The panic increases.
What is he going to do?
I can't breathe.
I can't shout.
Petrified with fear.
It suddenly stops.
My mind is frozen.
What's happening?

Make it end.
Please be over.
Then the pain rips through my body again.
Intense pain.
I can't breathe.
Then nothing as I pass out.

For a moment I'm free.
Then bang!
The terror begins once more.
I'm safe I tell myself.
It isn't happening now.
You survive this.
Stay in the present.
He doesn't break you.

Breathe in courage,
Exhale fear.
Breathe in courage,
Exhale fear.
Breathe in courage,
Exhale fear.

Anonymous posted on 07/11/2018

'I am a Survivor'

He broke my heart, but I put it back together.
He tortured my mind, but I kept sane.
He told me never to tell, but 20 years later I did.
He crushed my chest, but I breathe freely now.
He terrified me, but I am braver.
He told me I am wicked, but I am loved.
He humiliated me, but he died alone.
He robbed me of my innocence, but now I trust again.
He scarred my body, but I am a warrior.
He silenced me, but I have a voice now.
He shattered my soul, but it has healed.
He damaged my body, but I am strong now.
He tried to beat me, but I won the battle.
He caused me horrendous pain, but I am a SURVIVOR.

Anonymous posted on 23/06/2018

Just left a comment. Have greatly appreciated what I have read. Was not sure if I should type the poem here, so I initially just clicked on "Post Comment", thinking
it would take me to a place to print the poem. I wrote this many years ago.


Is home a place where clothes you keep
A place to eat, somewhere to sleep
A place to live, and where you dwell
Is home a place that you call hell

Beaten, broken, burned and bruised
Love has fled, as a slave you're used
Can't figure out of what you're accused
And in the end it's all who lose

For there's no natural affection
And your life has no direction
Oh! What a deadly infection
Of mankind such a reflection

Dear children, do not give up hope
Some are reaching for you who grope
For compassion, love, and understanding
Trust in their love, It's not so demanding

Our earth's a home, where billions live
And still its' children's lives do give
To a parent with many progeny
We call here the twentieth century

Her children include hate and prejudice
They bring war and grief to every race
Disease and hunger have sped up their pace
Making our home such an unhappy place

A twisted view, one for rejection
Please, of facts will you make an inspection
The worlds in fear, from every direction
Is there a future or just destruction

Dear children, I'm not tolling the bell
There are many who do wish you well
And there's much good news of which to tell
Soon home and earth won't be words for hell

Whom do you trust, when you've hurt so long
Sounds too good, like the words of an old song
"Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly"
Trust the rainbow's maker, His words don't lie

Trust, from others you've wanted it too
Yes, it hurt when they didn't trust you
So many people take the same dim view
Not trusting he who says, "I'll make all things new"

A home where only loving ones will live
Not just taking, but living to give
And in this giving, all will learn
In this home your love does return

A home for children, a place of love
A home for children, from one above
A home for children, living forever
Home on earth, a joyful endeavor

Anonymous posted on 08/06/2018


She uses her special powers daily to heal and comfort,
A talented listener who instinctively knows what you need.
Who cares and always values what you say and feel,Allowing the trauma to release you from within.
A hero without a cape.

Her gentle healing words alleviate pain,And ease the scariest memories.
She soothes the body and mind,
Guiding you to repair and mend scars.
A hero without a cape.

Her presence and shield of protection instils a calmness,
Creating a safe place to be your true self.
The wall can finally come down,
Allowing honesty to prevail.
A hero without a cape.

Her calming voice quietly floods the air,
With positivity and reassurance.
Giving you dignity while revealing shameful memories,
As you share the darkest secrets for the first time.
A hero without a cape.

She uses her force field to shield the inner child,
To reduce shame and humiliation.
She gives strength and saves you from the loneliness,
Holding you tight to reduce anxiety.
A hero without a cape.

She gives reassuring hugs so you are not alone,
That give security and relieve fear.
While infusing confidence she protects nd guides you through,
Giving you courage and self belief to fight on.
A hero without a cape.

The power of her smile that reassures you it's safe,
To reveal the horrors that have caused so much shame.
The gentle nod that lets you know it's ok to say the words,
That have been silenced for decades.
A hero without a cape.

She is armed with colouring pens,
To release the words that are too painful to speak.
And tissues to mop up puddles of sadness,
So nothing is hidden, not even the most humiliating wounds.
A hero without a cape.

Her intuition is like x-ray vision,
Enabling her to see into the soul.
With her talents she defeats the enemy daily,
Giving survivors back control and power to be free from the past.
A hero without a cape.

She is a true angel on Earth,
Who heals using her special powers and kind heart.
To support and repair broken souls,
Doing her best to make the world a better place.
A hero without a cape.

Anonymous posted on 28/11/2017

The Tears Won't Fall

The riverbed is dry,
The waterfall frozen in time.
Unable to trickle over the edge,
To relieve the current of hurt,
The cascading pools of loss.
The tears won't fall,
Yet I feel so sad.

My body aches with sorrow,
Yet my cheeks are still dry.
Willing the tears to flow,
But they've been blocked forever,
No one to mop up the suffering.
The tears won't fall,
Yet I feel so sad.

Will the dam ever break?
The pain inside needs to release,
To set free the ripple of heartache,
Some how. Some way.
But it's been blocked for too many years.
The tears won't fall,
Yet I feel so sad.

Anonymous posted on 26/10/2017

Waves wash over me ... they recall,
in bruised black waves,
the breakers roll.
A gentle lap,
swept aside,
All angry crash,
borne away by the tide.
Just the horizons sadness and the stark vestigial memory;
black waves washing over me.

* * *

Endless sea,
the maddening flow,
of rights and wrongs, of shames and blames, Illusions, delusions, reality, truth …

... enough …

The shore may not know what the castaway shows,
no hunt for nourishment,
nor shelter,
nor relief,
no need or care for proof.

All those things will never be.
All those things just never were.
All the words you’ll never hear,
above the rip-tides roar.

It doesn’t matter,
no it doesn’t matter,
not now,
not anymore.

* * *

I won’t wallow in your waters,
or drown,
or thrash.
I’ll wait in silence.

I will endure.

Adrift within the oceans embrace with no wish to find the shore.
Drifting in the seas embrace
till the waves wash over,
no more.

Anonymous posted on 24/10/2017

#Me Too

This hashtag thats sparked a debate,
you call it a mere attention seeking move
diminishing the point we’re trying to prove.
so here’s another attempt to shed light on this issue,
yes, #meToo.

At eleven, your touch, it made me squirm
Its distant past, you might say,
but your filthy smirk will forever stay
Not showers, nor time will undo
that vile memory of you.

I loathe you, though I’ve never seen your face
You, and the dozen bystanders in that public place
who pretended to not notice your lustful embrace.
But in the end you walked away,
and they said it was my fault anyway.

Believing them I tried to change the way I look,
the way I dress, meticulously abiding every instruction
so I don’t accidentally tempt your perversion.
While all you wear is that lecherous smile
that, years later, still sends shivers down my spine.

Yet, you still believe you did nothing wrong.
You blurred my perception of lust n appreciation,
made me cringe at the touch of true passion.
I wake up wishing you would just die.
How I wish you were only one guy.

Yet I’m asked not to complain,
hurt and scarred, but not allowed to say,
because I wasn’t raped, its all okay.
So now I’m just a wannabe-internet-sensation
that doesn’t know to appreciate a man’s attention.

This story is not just mine,
but of many a man, woman and child.
Although the numbers seem too big to be true
With reality you can’t argue,

Everyday millions face abuse. Its time to speak up. #MeToo.

Anonymous posted on 24/10/2017

How nice it feels,
Now that the butterflies have fled my chest.
I am relaxed and calm,
No anxiety now, new found peace and rest.

Yet if I am truthful,
I miss the flutterings each day.
They've been part of me endlessly,
It feels uncomfortable in a way.

I won't waste time worrying,
In case the caterpillars return.
I'll get used to no butterflies,
Until the case re-adjourns.

The butterflies have emerged,
From their chrysalises inside.
And are elsewhere now to grow,
Allowing my soul to thrive.

So goodbye my familiar butterflies,
I am relieved you've escaped.
My life has new meaning,
Now I've faced being raped.

Anonymous posted on 27/07/2017


Waves wash over me ... they recall,
in bruised black waves,
the breakers roll.
A gentle lap,
swept aside,
All angry crash,
borne away by the tide.
Just the horizons sadness and the stark vestigial memory;
black waves washing over me.

* * *

Endless sea,
the maddening flow,
of rights and wrongs, of shames and blames, Illusions, delusions, reality, truth …

... enough …

The shore may not know what the castaway shows,
no hunt for nourishment,
nor shelter,
nor relief,
no need or care for proof.

All those things will never be.
All those things just never were.
All the words you’ll never hear,
above the rip-tides roar.

It doesn’t matter,
no it doesn’t matter,
not now,
not anymore.

* * *

I won’t wallow in your waters,
or drown,
or thrash.
I’ll wait in silence.

I will endure.

Adrift within the oceans embrace with no wish to find the shore.
Drifting in the seas embrace
till the waves wash over,
no more.

Anonymous posted on 12/07/2017

When I had my own children
I knew exactly what I had to do
And that was to protect them with my life from people like you
I never forget coming home from work to find you
Mum and dad with my innocent child
Laughing and talking with my abuser
I exploded in a rage and explained it all telling you
I would go to court and have it all on print in a pagea
I at least expected from you a hug,a sob an embrace
And a kiss on my face
But all I got was
Oh Jac
Think of the family's shame
Not one mention of my fucking pain
Mum now you've passed away
I think of you so many days
Why when you used to hear me cry
Why the hell didn't you ever ask me why

Anonymous posted on 09/05/2017

When I was a small child,I was badly abused,nobody ever knew or was slightly moved
So I just had to live with being regularly abused
I lost my childhood it turned so sour
So when I was little I thought of him so many hours
I became a challenge and was so misunderstood
Because in everybody's eyes I could never be any good
Tears often running down my face because I was made to feel I'm a total disgrace and not fit to live in the human race
Even now I remember the hurt and the pain
I tried telling you once mum but it was in vein
So some days I felt a burning passion some days so sad,some days an eternal rage just like a wounded animal trapped in a cage
Mum now you've passed away
I do think of you nearly every day
Why when you used to hear me cry
Why the hell
Didn't you ever ask me why

Anonymous posted on 09/05/2017

Nobody knows
Nobody cares
For most of my childhood I was so scared
Anger,confusion,low self esteem
The only time I felt happiness
Was finding it in my dreams
Do you have any idea
What it's like living in fear
Having to grow up so very fast
And to be made to feel your not worthy
Because of your past
Nobody to talk to,turn to or dry your tears
That just adds to your childhood fears
So many have been to that place
And made to feel there nothing just a waste of space

Anonymous posted on 09/05/2017

The woman was mean
and rude
spanking me
this was a scam
taken to their cross
like the lamb
taking their sin
on my skin
and daddy's belt
and alcoholism
sure did not help
sickness attracts
added to their sin
now free
God or your
Higher Power
will get you free
scum buckets
all the abusers
and then I crave
some perversion
and lust
is so strong
locked inside of me
but that is fantasy
I made it right
with therapy

Anonymous posted on 04/05/2017


Why am i here
Why was i born
Tell me the answers
I'm struggling to carry on
Please mother you have to show me
Help me to understand
what is the reason i'm here
The reason i don't belong

Why are you you
Why am i me
Who is it that selected you
to rule over me
Why are you better
Who decided that
I'm not going to give up
Until all the answers come out

Why can't i live with Tracey in her happy home
And warm mum
Why is it YOU
Why are YOU my mum?

Who decided this
That here was my place
Why do i live
Why do i Breathe

i have to know,
there has been a mistake
This is UNFAIR!
There has to be
Another place?

Can noone here my cry
I must understand
Why oh why
Why are YOU my Mum??

why do i live
Why am i here
What is the reason
i exist at all
What if i die mother
Where would i go
Somewhere better
Than this that i do know!

Who can understand this child you say
As you laugh to my face
with nice mothers on the street
Pointing laughing and smiling having fun
Pretending you're nice

we look at each other
We both know the truth
my stare pierces you deep
And you struggle to look

I may be 3 maybe 4
But i remember you
Oh and more

I remember you and more

asking too many questions, again and again!
Ssh now don't make a sound
Why is it that you are here and you are still bothering me???
What's that you say mother? It would be better if i didn't exist?

Silence your voice you do not matter
No one cares that your soul searches for answers
No one cares
No one cares
No one cares

Anonymous posted on 06/02/2017

When I was a small child I was badly abused
Nobody ever knew or was slightly moved
So I just had to live with being regularly abused
I lost my childhood it turned so sour
So when I was little I thought of him so many hours
I became a challenge and was so misunderstood
Because in everybody's eyes I could never be any good
Tears often running down my face because I was made to feel I'm a total disgrace
And not fit to live in the human race
Even now I remember the hurt and the pain
I tried telling you once mum but it was in vein
So some days I felt a burning passion,some days so sad
Some days an eternal rage just like animal wounded and trapped in a cage
Mum now you've passed away I do think of you nearly every day
Why when you used to hear me cry
Why the hell didn't you ever ask me why

Anonymous posted on 30/01/2017

At first, the sun was brave but afraid.
It rose up courageously from the night
Its grace radiated in the sky.

But the black clouds came
Reminding the sun of the night
Of the darkness of the night.

Then thunder crashed all around
The clouds tears fell to the Earth
The sun was,once again, afraid.
It hid away, once again.
Afraid to beam down on the Earth.

Though the clouds wipe the tears away
The thunder tired of its rage
The sun anticipated the next storm,
But still appeared with grace and glory.

But the sun knew to light up the world
It had to
Because it had a very special purpose
When the night's reign had to end.

Anonymous posted on 02/12/2016

The crime

Innocence taken. Voice forsaken. He waits, deep down inside. No one sees him, no one hears him strangling scraping away my time .

A faint mark of blood shadows your hands?
That was me. You weren't to know. The shell is clean. I wander free.

A drop of poison each time you sigh? That was me. You weren't to know. The shell is clean. I walk free.

A song of sadness suffocating your smile?
That was me. You weren't to know. The shell is clean. I seem free.

Innocence taken. Voice forsaken. slaughtered with blood and salt and time. The stain imprints on each encounter. Run softly. Walk now because that was me. You weren't to know. Im not free.

Anonymous posted on 24/08/2016

"Dear Little Girl"

If I could somehow
Talk to the little girl me
And tell her what I know now
I wonder what that would be.
Would I tell her all that will occur
Or encourage her to go another way?
Would I tell her that I believe her
And what not to say?
Would I warn her of each tragedy
That will befall?
But then I wouldn't be the me I've come to be
Yet still so much will happen to this little girl so small.

Dear little girl
I know it's so hard
Living in this nightmare world
Where you become so scarred
And your heart gets so broken
From all that you endure.
Dear little girl, you are not forsaken
I know you want to feel safe and secure.
Dear little girl, you are not alone
I know that it feels that way
As you carry all your sadness on your own.
Dear little girl, there will come a brighter day,
Even though it's been so very long
And you don't even remember what that is like.
Dear little girl, just stay strong
Through every strike,
I know how very hard that is
When it never seems to end.
Dear little girl, I promise you this,
God will send you a wonderful friend
More than one actually
Who will help you through
And become like family,
They will surround you.
Dear little girl, it's not your fault
You were never meant to carry this all on your own
I know it's your default
To carry it all alone.
Dear little girl, you are not who you've been told
By evil ones who just wish to cause you more pain.
Dear little girl, you are worth more than gold
To the One Who has given you a new name.
Dear little girl, you are chosen
By the One Who has redeemed you
Even with your broken and scarred heart so frozen.
Dear little girl, everything that I tell you is true
I know how hard it is for you to trust
You hold so very much heartache and pain inside
Because of this life into which you were thrust
Leaving you wanting to just run and hide.
Dear little girl, who could blame you?
You've been taught right is wrong and wrong is right
With all that you've been through
You can't see any light through the endless night.
Dear little girl, it's going to be okay
You are going to make it
And things will be better one day
Even though all this pain, you won't be able to completely shake it
God is going to use everything
For His glory
As through it all, you, He does bring
Will be your testimony.

Dear little girl, you are wanted,
You are His beloved child
Even though your past is haunted
And not all has been reconciled.
Dear little girl, you are His forever,
Not forgotten,
But held and treasured
His adored begotten.
Dear little girl, I know how hard it is
To understand and believe
That loving fathers do exist,
Who will protect you and never leave.
But my dear little girl, you are loved,
Far greater than you could ever imagine
By a Loving Father above
I know how hard that is to fathom
But His love is a love that is true
The kind that I know you dream about
Because dear little girl, I am you;
So trust me and have no doubt
That we are going to make it through.
Things will be better one day
I promise you
And we will be okay.

Written By: Jennifer Lynn Davis
copyright 2016, Jennifer Lynn Davis

Anonymous posted on 10/08/2016

I live my life in monotone,
The colour gone,
Stolen, long ago.

They took the beauty,
They took the light,
Out of my life
There is no life

No life, just existence,
Dark, dismal, dank,
Cloudy and grey
Sums up my being

They own me,
Still beyond life,
No longer of this world,
They manage to own me.

Anonymous posted on 07/03/2016

You were sleeping and sleeping and then woke up because rumbles
And don't remember which monster it was but you were poisoned
In places you thought were yours and there is nothing left anymore.
There is nothing left anymore.
Details deaden the eyes and seep sludge from pores too ungood to exist.
It will not be spoken of. It will not be spoken of. It will silently and politely die.
This happened other times but they are memories of air, unbreathed and unspent.
Caravanised in isolation, the ebb and flow of it, became clear.
That it happened according to the decibel sinusoids of their yells
Before dusk leafed down. You were all that was left for two hungry bogs
Whose marriage was mortared in the fact that they were the same in every way.
At least you were wanted.

You grew to hate every pore, cultivating conceptual blossoms for why everything was wrong and extensive resculpturing would not fix the deformed lumpen fallout-smearing mass of that radiation-hued face.

And then...

There was a moment of silence. Of absence. Fertile soil to grow yourself anew. A dream of one thousand paper cranes paneling you to life. And fire. Pure fire. Erupting. Declaring yourself pure all along. Poisonless all along. It spread like an epidemic of courage. Courage sitting in the darks, awaiting a moment of escape.

It announced itself in the heresy of spring, muraling new life as you put the ice age behind you.

Anonymous posted on 15/02/2016

Days filled with dread
Nights filled with fear
Each and every one
For eight long years
A smile covers pain
A laugh covers a tear
Not a soul knew
Except the one who drank the beer.

My words muffled by threats
I could say nothing or he would attack The bruises easily covered
By sleeves colored black
My flinches played off
From a brush against my back.

There is no escape
Neither home nor school
At the first there was abuse
At the later kids were cruel.
A toy to a stepfather
And a joke to the 'cool'

Home was a prison
The warden was a perv
I was his 'bitch'
And not to say a word
He hit me,  he touched me
I screamed.. but no one ever heard

There is no escaping
Not even in sleep
All I can dream of
Is the face of the creep
I awake screaming and crying
My invisible wounds are too deep

If only I was strong enough
My end would come
The use of one needle
I could feel numb
No pain from the past
Just from the push of my thumb

I'd do it by the river
Sitting on the cliff
I could rest forever
In a beautiful place
One stick to deliver
My inevitable end

But I wont. He won't win.

Anonymous posted on 31/01/2016

What were you thinking when you met me and my family?
Did you admire our bravery, our  militant integraty.
Wow 2 adults 2 boys and a dog, just perfect....
A cute Lil family whom didn't deserve it.

When did you figure when the time was right , to make us aware you were a neighbors delight.

A nice young man you portrayed your self to be , your demeanour your actions..turned us into we.

We spent summer days together, cookouts and cheer your family our family were here..
Who would have known , you ...you were to fear.
You did a great job putting on this disguise. No one would know you had eyes for Lil guys.

I am sure it took time to figure out how you could manipulate them, beyond reasonable doubt.

You pretended to be this cool mentor type, one that would play games and always seem polite.
Such a nice young man , we all though..but who..who really knew what you thought alone in the dark?

From day one when you met us  , did you already know, know that you'd be preying on his innocents for no one to know. Keeping him quite with malice in your soul, be a good boy and do what I say..do it or I will not play with you ,not one more day .

What were you thinking, how did you do this? Are thoughts in my head ,sleepless nights in my bed. He is a child , what monster could do this.  Look us in our faces after putting us through this..

A nice young man you portrayed to be, never would have thought you would have been doing what you did.. who would have known you enjoyed Lil kids.

The damage has been done, to whom we hold closest to our hearts , our own son. Who had a beautiful bright future ahead of him without any negative thoughts.

You gave him so much more then he should have to think about ,as a young boy who should only worry about building blocks and toys. Now has to suffer and protect any hope for the future. Worring about will he ever have to face his abuser.

NO NEVER again, the words are spoken .He and we will RISE from the household you once broken. Though days ahead will be tough as nails, we pray to GOD justice prevails.

Hope time will heal his every wound , while my heart bleeds for his healing as he once came out of my womb.

Never would have thought we'd have to pick up your pieces of the mess you have made, but won't keep us defeated. we definitely will rise to the occasion, get him back on his feet and make him stronger than ever.

No longer suffering from your devilish wrath, may GOD be unforgiving when judging those acts.

So I guess you weren't thinking and admiring us not, 2 adults 2 kids and a dog, just perfect. A cute Lil family we didn't deserve it.


Anonymous posted on 15/01/2016


I asked my 2 of my babies to describe me ..........     
The Best
Always smiling



........I WON...... I SCREW YOU

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2015


No tears
No pain
No scars
No guilt
No disgust
No memories
No words
No forgiveness
No understanding
No feelings
No emotion
No attachment
No issues
No anger
No emptiness
No numbness
No feelings


Nothing ......................

No pretence

Just ME

NOTHING ............ nothing is the be all to all nothingness .......

Anonymous posted on 22/12/2015


My ears pick out his sounds - in the dead of the night
I hide under the covers - out of mind, out of sight

I lay frozen with fear - while preparing myself
To leave my body behind - and put my mind on a shelf

When he passes me by - I rejoice in his wake
I laugh under my breath - for tonight I am safe

But relief turns to guilt with your struggle to be free
For if he did not choose you - he would choose JUDAS me

So I lie to myself - to convince me it's true
That the shadows that dance on the walls are not you

Then I lie once again - my hands cover my ears
I chant over and over - that I don't really hear

The soft fumbling his hands make as he loosens your clothes
Nor the dying sound innocence makes when it goes

Please forgive me my sisters - for what is and will be
and for being so happy - he passed by JUDAS me

I know all of the sounds the disgusting things make
as he greedily gobbles and he nightly partakes

I hear your soft cries every night in my mind
they play over and over and with each play I find

That the peace of the chaste that I pray comes my way
always comes at a price that is too high to pay

I remember nothing good ever happens to me
cause you pay with your soul so I'll walk Judas free.

Anonymous posted on 07/12/2015


There are harms
I have suffered
A lifetime will not repair
Love (when I can feel) helps but
Never seems to heal

Happy day. Full smile. Connection.
A biding of time until
the next break

When it comes
Behind these eyes
(Which everyone calls kind)
Are Heaven
And Hell
No in between
But mostly Hell

When it’s bad
I cannot feel
Love. Trust. Joy. Hope. Complete.

So I slide, again
My parts take over
Speak for me
Speak to me
Don’t move! Not safe! Run! End yourself! Now!

Sometimes I’d like to meet them
Who made me this way
Face to face, gun in hand
I was a child then
And they are old men
No pain, no shame
No harm I could cause
Could ever be

Anonymous posted on 25/11/2015

If you ever care to know of the pain inside
A darish brute the likes of which I doubt you'd ever find
Except within the darkest parts of my very soul
The darkness sometimes oozes out...
Oh no, that's just a mole!

Tucked down deep away from light & all of life that's pure
He lies in wait until it's time to swallow me once more
He knows exactly when to strike, he's patient as can be
But once he's out he gathers strength just happy to be free

His hunger grows each day alas, I feel it in my bones
I starve him of the hate he needs in the hope that this will pass
Sometimes it does, sometimes does not, I really cannot tell
How long he will subject me to this dark & painful hell

I wish I could absorb the light to which my life exudes
The part of me that's truly healed created something bright
Something fresh & something clean to which I cling with ease
But on these days of deep shadow my grasp it does release
I slip and fall into the mire, no longer is there peace
I'm haunted now, again, once more - I cannot seem to find
The thing that does elude me still...
A calm and peaceful mind

Anonymous posted on 04/11/2015

I suspected it, I never knew
I lived with it and the shadow grew
I always believed I was abused
Its my mother that my mind accused
Not knowing
Just believing
Surely It was a dream?
But one I think about and silently scream
Not only once but maybe more
I waited for the opening of my bedroom door
For her to creep in and climb in bed
To mount me whilst I played dead
Eyes shut and never a sound
Half asleep true confusion found
I watched her leave when she was done
I was her 13 year old only son
Now buried belief has returned
I feel nothings real but am concerned
That my life may sink into a bottomless hole
And In that place I hate my soul
That destroys the loved ones I now know.

Anonymous posted on 21/10/2015

Every action, every sound, each feeling we invoke every whisper leaves a shadow. Each fingerprint a memory. Each footstep an echo that hums in the mind. Some gentle, smooth like silk. A delicious imprint left upon a memory, warming the soul.
Some touches scar deep. Blistering the skin, burning a brand that no amount of scrubbing can remove. A mark that taints deep below the surface, that causes a howl to bubble to the lips, a scream that vibrates and crawls up the spine. A scar so old now, that tells the world that I am forever yours. You took my youth, you stole the innocence of me.
Footsteps that squash me and push me down. A weight that presses against the chest, so intense that on occasions I have to fight for breath.
Sometimes, when my heart begins to skip and glow, when I feel love and happiness, a sharp pain rips through. I am not allowed to feel like this, not unless it is brought about by you. A sickness creeps deep into my stomach that makes me claw my skin, desperate to be some one who’s not me. A skewer on your foot through my lungs, desperation as I gasp, promises that I will detach from them, that I will forever be yours, that I repulse all but you. It drives my sickness, it drives me to you. I try turning inside out, but all I am left with is shame, pain and a vile taste that fills my throat and mouth. Acid that gentle erodes the body, the way your image erodes my mind.
Footprints last a lifetime, be careful how you tread. Fingerprints they also last long after the warmth has left them. They burn, they scar, like tattoos they root deep. A constant reminder of moments desperately being buried in an attempt to forget.

Anonymous posted on 19/10/2015

Tomorrow, you will be free

Please don't stop me, my love, let me
lie down and kiss the ground, let me
taste the taste of freedom on my tongue
and remember my past no more.

Let my tears mingle with the sand and the
sun comfort my soul, for the earth has opened
up her mouth and swallowed my past, no more
pain, no more fear, only sweet music shall
ring in my ears.

Look down on her, O Lord, look down and see
your daughter weeping in the sand, she ripped
out her heart and has cast it into the sea,
she said,
"Tomorrow, I will be free."

But the ground where she laid is now drunken
with her past, affliction and confusion, the
sea has spewed out her heart and the sun has
hidden his face.

I tried to comfort her and said,
"Come my love, come, for tomorrow, is still
yet to come,"
but she cannot be comforted, her body's
covered with wounds I cannot see and her
words I do not understand.

Night is fallen and my soul grows weak but
I will not leave her, I will cuddle her in
my arms and whisper in her ears,
"Tomorrow, you will be free,
tomorrow, you will be free."

Anonymous posted on 18/10/2015

A little bit of love

When I was small
All I wanted
Was a little bit of love
My mother would beat me
My stepfather held me
I thought it was
My little bit of love
He promised me if I played
My mother would be happy
And I'd get
A little bit of love
No wonder now
I question what is love

Anonymous posted on 08/10/2015


The pain you inflicted
Has never gone away
I'll carry it with me
Till my dying day
It haunts my dreams
Ruins my days
Rembrence of a stolen life
Innocence killed
Cuts like a knife

Anonymous posted on 08/10/2015

A distorted view on love and sex shortly after I left the womb
I was six, supposed to be playing dolls in my playroom

But inStead My innocence was stolen, time and time again
The false smile on my face, often hard to maintain
But what happened is the past and it cannot be changed
Even though, so long ago, my emotions still deranged
You know you gotta get up, move on and look for the brighter day
but instead you look back as a kid who would play
Innocent, naive and youth is all I see
Til one day you came along and took it all from me.
the child inside me wanted to yell out and scream
But instead I lay silent and pretended it was a dream
You see, it was easier that way, to just pretend
it wasn't reality, that if I pushed it away, my soul soon would mend

But I was wrong, there's only one way to heal
You have to let it all out, all the emotions that you feel
The ones tht have been locked up inside for so long
Making you feel like you were the one in the wrong
Once you share the story, the pain you once felt
Only then will you be able to look past the cards you were dealt

Anonymous posted on 21/09/2015

I wrote my first suicide not by the age of 15,
By the time I was 18, I had books worth of notes,
It seemed like everyday could be the end,
Yet I woke up.

Some days, only to regret the fact that I still existed,
Other days, I'm just okay.
When I was six years old....all I wanted to do was dream and be happy,
Like if I smiled at the world, the world would smile back at me.

By the age of 9 all that was stolen away from me,
From that age on, I was never the same again
the sight of the sun never really made me smile,
The flowers just seemed like they’ll die anyway,
I was just some object being used and tossed away,

Under conditions covered with secrets and lies,
Suffocating me with reminders of how disposable I can be,
Covered in layers of pain and deception,
Unwillingly, I take it,

By the age of 10, it all feels normal now,
Day after day like its what is supposed happen now,
My choices never mattered,
Not like it was a question to be asked anyway,

A little over 11, it all seemed like a horrific nightmare,
But all I was by then was deception, garbage and lies,
Hatred built within me, darkness began to spread,
I could no longer visualize the path that I lead,

getting into trouble, breaking rules & regulations helped me feel better,
In doing so, was the only way I saw to be in control,
No one could tell me what to do no more,
I was in charge, I was in control,

However between my thoughts and what people told me,
I never believed that I could ever be good enough,
So, I created an identity that could be,
Doing everything to the opposite of whatever I had been,

Hiding the real me that everyone seemed to hate,
And the person that I knew,me, began to fade,
Only to find my satisfaction hidden in a razor blade,
Feeling it sweep on the touch of my skin,

Because I never was born to fit in,
And when I truly wanted to die,
Unleash the pain, nobody understood,
Thinking it’s just a phase, unacknowledging the pain to my existence,

Self-harming and suicide isn’t a joke,
But when nobody understood me, I broke,
With all the screaming, arguing and fighting,
I couldn’t take it anymore,

So I lied, I told them it was a mistake and that it will never happen again,
Wearing long sleeves and hoodies,
It was all good, all right again,
I kept whispering to myself that it was my fault,

That this was the way it was suppose to be,
That every cut was proof that I wasn’t meant to be
And that every scar meant that my body never belonged to me,
And all my suicidal thoughts convincing me,

That I am truly worthless,
That every time the blade was dragged against me,
It wasn’t ever going to be deadly,
So I struggle, and I’m just told to believe it will all be okay,

That there will be light at the end of the tunnel,
“Give it time” they said,
But I did. Trying to convince myself that I was fixed,
Because I gave it time but I broke,

So I crossed my arms and blocked it all out,
Every time, I felt that pain, I let it out,
And every time the blade felt my skin,
It no longer seemed wrong,
It just felt like another way of coping,

Time! Time doesn’t heal anything,
There are times where I wonder what my purpose in life is?
And when the only options are listed and lie within a painful past,
I give up, close my eyes and let it out,

As if the only thing that could fix me is the reality that would actually break me,
When I tell you, I hate my reflection,
I’m not trying to be pessimistic nor ungrateful,

You, tell me I’m beautiful,
But when I see my reflection,
I see everything that made them want me,
Nobody understands me,

They still tell me it isn’t my fault,
But I see nothing pure within,
Just something that was born to be used and thrown to the trash endlessly,
I see ME….

Anonymous posted on 07/08/2015

Looking back at how it used to be
I realise now how unfair you were to me
As a child, life should have been easy
I never knew how, now, it would affect me so deeply

Subjected then to you and your selfish ways
Now seem to lead me now to my darkest days
How I hate you for what you've done to me
I know now that those closest will all agree

That what happened back then was not my fault
It was you, and your desire to sexually assault
A child who obeyed so innocently
Has lead me now to struggle with intimacy

But now I have found my candle in the dark
The one who starts that loving spark
That grows down deep within my heart
That man that helps me deal with what you’ve done
And lifts me up when the memories make me feel numb

Without this man in my life
I would have already grasped the knife
When I get the burning desire to fall
And feel like I need to end it all

To him I truly owe it all
I’ve decided to give him my heart and soul
For all he’s done and helped me through
and for picking me up when I feel blue

With him i’ll spend the rest of my days
And into those eyes i’ll focus my gaze
Away from all the torture and torment
I know with him is where my life is best spent.

Anonymous posted on 22/04/2015

The Silence – 20 years on

We were Soul Survivor junkies, basketball wannabes,
Fresh faced believers - wide eyed and hopeful,
Beautifully naïve and sweet 16,
I was smart – no one was pulling the wool over these eyes.

A tom boy waiting for someone to notice me,
And you did...
You saw me, you saw all of me – my hopes, my fears,
You knew my secrets, my pain – you noticed,
Your eyes – they looked right into me.

It wasn't so much the attention you gave,
The blissful compliments that left me feeling special,
Or the way you made me laugh,
It's just that I never saw you that way.

When your hand reached out and touched my hand...my leg,
When your eyes looked at me in a way I'd never known before,
“You don't want this?” you asked,
- my bra undone, exposed, I managed to slip out a quiet “no”.

Unknowingly, I gave up my voice in exchange for your trust,
Then the silence followed...
Slience - the residue of fear,
The sound after the noose is already tied...
and you're are left waiting – for the next time.


I lost myself for a while, I lost her in that silent place,
– where there were no words, where your hands said it all,
I think I left her back on that grassy bank by the reservoir,
when it all stopped and you told me “no one need ever know”.


A decade on and these silences, they had their way of becoming unbroken,
And the police investigator said,
– “he said it was love, that you knew, that you consented”,
and I'm sat there as adult thinking – I was 15/16, you were 39,
you were my church youth group leader, my pastor, and I said no!

Where was the equality?
Where was the choice for me in that?
In the silence, there was no sweet lovers exchange,
No talk of future plans or runaway adventures,
Just a silent, naïve, childlike trust.

So I piece it together – the comments about me people made,
the concerned stares of the man walking his dog as we sat together,
the stories you told of your hopes and dreams,
the pain from the babies you lost,
your breaking marriage and those beautiful triplets.


But then there is still this gap for me -
A childhood hurt that was never fixed by plasters or kisses.
For 20 years I've tossed you away countless times like an unwanted tissue,
yet somehow you're always close, I find you right there in my pocket.

I can't find a word for this feeling, this gap, this hole that you left,
So I forgive myself again for the decisions I made, decisions I never understood,
The ones I still tuck into bed each night,
– the ones imprinted on my mind like an old photo album that seemed to be of some other person, some other life.

It's so hard to stop loving the ocean even after it has left you gasping for air,
But the adult tells the child in me, “you can stop reaching, you can stop gasping”,
This statue he built is crumbling...
And I'm finally finding my voice, I'm building my home.

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”
Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

Anonymous posted on 14/04/2015

Silent tears and empty years
Unhealing pain and sinful shame
Soundless screams and haunting dreams
Shattered trust and self disscuss
My living hell and no voice to tell.

Anonymous posted on 09/04/2015

Looking back at how it used to be
I realise now how unfair, you were to me
As a child, life should have been easy
I never knew how, now, it would affect me so deeply

Subjected then to you and your selfish ways
Now seem to lead me now to my darkest days
How I hate you for what you done to me
I know now that those closest will all agree

That what happened back then was not my fault
It was you, and your desire to sexually assault
A child who obeyed so innocently
Has lead me now to struggle with intimacy

But now I have found my candle in the dark
The one who starts that loving spark that grows down deep within my heart
That man that helps me deal with what you’ve done
And lifts me up when the memories make me feel numb

Without this man in my life
I would have already grasped the knife
When I get the burning desire to fall
And feel like I need to end it all

To him I truly owe it all
I’ve decided to give him my heart and soul
For all he’s done and helped me through
and for picking me up when I feel blue

With him i’ll spend the rest of my days
And into those eyes i’ll focus my gaze
Away from all the torture and torment
I know with him is where my life is best spent.

Anonymous posted on 23/03/2015

Everytime i think of you
I feel sick to my stomach
You used to call me names
And lock me in the cupboard
You used to burn my food
Knowing i wouldn't eat it
I knew I'd be punished
You made me feel defeated
Whether i was good or bad
It was all the same
I was just a piece
In your twisted game
I'm sittimg here alone
Thinking to myself
How it would be better
If i was someone else
Why did i have to suffer
All that abuse as a kid
Why did i have to grow up
As confused as i did
But all that suffering
Made me this way
A loving father and partner
And the man i am today
No more do i search
No more do i long
To be accepted by society
Or find a place i belong

Anonymous posted on 08/03/2015

Hi my name's james
Amd I'm 33
When i was a young boy
I had things done to me
No child should suffer in their life
Like being sexually abused
And threatened with a knives
It was absolutely horrific
What they all done
But i survived all that
And look how far I've come
I never thought I'd speak out
Never knew i was that strong
Especially after keeping
That secret for so long
But I'm glad that i did
Cuz now they're exposed
My lifes moving forward
And theirs is about to explode
I'm telling you this
So you can be strong to
And can start living your life
And stop feeling confused
Don't ask yourself questions
You'll never have answers to
It'll eat you up inside
And eventually destroy you
Thats what they want
It's the only way they can win
You've done nothing wrong
It's them that have sinned
So please listen to this
Cuz you all have a voice
And no matter what they say
You always have a choice

Anonymous posted on 08/03/2015

Grandad's Specs
When grandad gave me glasses I had hardly had time to see, the world for how it really was - a place of reality.
I loved my brand new glasses, they came with attention and pleasure. My view was that of an innocent child, no experience with which to measure.
To keep my specs I had to be, quiet and passive and mild, I could not tell our secret to another adult or child.
As time went by I loathed my specs, but could not find a way, to say I no longer liked them, and found they had to stay.
The attention ceased and I felt bad, rejected, shamed and hopeless, but unaware my specs had stayed and through my life I focused.
My view was of a child that failed, at fault, confused and worthless. I doubt myself, I have no love, and now I'm rendered voiceless.
I became an adult with different eyes, an odd, distorted vision, of relationships and sex and love, a strange dark inner prison.
But now I see those specs remained, and caused of my life's corruption, The broken bands, and one night stands, this life time of disruption.
So, now I choose to take them off, remove those specs and see, my eyes are open and now's my aim - take back my life, it's mine - reclaim!

Anonymous posted on 13/02/2015

(Baby's) Changing Time
The sun is warming on my cot. I lay as trusted adults look down. My happy face reflects their smiles, and yet I sense,
their laughter is at my expense.
The years roll by, the sunshine holds. The love and presents, attention I crave. It feels so good. I am in love and yet I'm only five.
The sun begins to fade away and darkness blinds. Something's not right. It still feels good and yet not quite, now demons crowd my mind - and pleasure turns to pain.
I'm just a child. It's all my fault. How stupid I was to think - to dream. Of course my grandma is his love. No one can hear me scream.
Now times have changed and I bring light and sunshine from the shadows. No longer pushed aside. I take back all that's rightfully mine and send him to the gallows.

Anonymous posted on 13/02/2015

Tired, so tired,
Like a hamster running round and round in its wheel,
There is no end, my energy’s spent,
I’ve had enough
Please let this end,
I can’t go on.

Sad, so sad,
Waiting, forlornly hoping,
Longing, to be rescued,
But nobody comes,
I’m on my own, all alone,
Nobody hears the sound of my tears.

Guilt, so much guilt,
Blaming my child-self,
For letting it happen,
For loving these men
And for letting them hurt me!

Anger and hate,
Burning inside me,
Self -hatred eating away at my soul.
Anger that my little girl loved you,
Believed all you said,
The lies put in her head.

It’s my fault you know,
I made them do it,
I led them on and I didn’t speak up,
Because it was our secret,
Now it’s too late and I am too damaged.

Regret, for not telling when I had the chance,
For letting you go to your graves untarnished,
Wanting to tell but afraid of reactions,
Feeling dirty and beaten,
Your reputations unsullied, you win,
I’m defeated!

Anonymous posted on 18/04/2012

Flying Angels...
Make a decision today to bury anything that has pulled you down, held you back, kept you in despair, limited you, deceived you or made you vulnerable. Throw it into the coffin. Lower it into the ground. Declare it finished in your life.

You are alive. You are strong. You made it. You are a survivor of whatever it was that the devil tried to do to you to keep you from God's salvation and take you out of God's plan.

You can start over. You can be healed. You can start having good things in your life to replace the bad things.

Anonymous posted on 31/01/2012

A Childs Cry

All I wanna do is sit and cry, but there’s no one around to explain why
I sit in this room scared and alone knowing he’s coming, got to wait till he phones

A tear is flowing down my face out my right eye, I wipe it away and think I’ll hold it back another day
There’s no one around to hear my cries about the man that’s bad and lies

He’s there with me almost everyday but you all promised that I’d be ok…
He’ll be there to protect you when things go wrong, he’ll be your rock and he’ll be strong

No one will hurt you he said every night, I love you and care for you it’ll be alright
Don’t tell no one, that’s really bad, they’ll take you away from Mum and Dad

Shh don’t cry here suck this it’ll be alright, I’m taking you home tomorrow night
So here I am once again, pen to paper writing what’s happened again

If only I had just one true friend who could rescue me from these bad bad men
I’d love them forever, I’d be there friend, but no on comes, they don’t hear my cries

So I sit in this room, scared and alone, knowing he’s coming, got to wait till he phones
The phone is ringing he’s on the other side, my brother George the bad man that lies!

Somebody please hear me, please hear my cries and save me from the bad man that lies.


Anonymous posted on 17/01/2012


That first bright step into the sunshine of life
begins with the opening of the family cocoon.
The caterpillar becomes a butterfly
spreading her wings into the world.

What she is today is but a tiny mirror.
of the transformation that is yet to come.
For with time, love, humor and warmth
She is an ever changing masterpiece.

Whether as wife, mother, career woman or all,
she will find her center of peace.
A place that is hers and hers alone,
the essence of what she is and will be.
Using the instincts that each of us have
to find the good in each other.
to be a caring friend, lover, helper and playmate,
to listen and share, to laugh and to cry.

With loving support of family and friends,
she takes flight down an unknown road towards her future,
like the rising of the sun in the east.
Each day filled with new beginnings.

Finding excitement and challenge at each new turn.
Her flight through life filled with many happy adventures
and memories to put in her book of life,
as the sun moves along that steady path across the sky.

When the sun at last begins to set in the west
and her flight nears its end, she can look back along her path
and know that she has been everything she can be
and has done her very best.

Poem by Linda Dietz

Anonymous posted on 17/01/2012

Is blackness, numbness but the worst pain as well!
Is feeling alone, unheard and invisible,
Is being feared by others who think you are crazy!
Is wanting not to be here and feeling guilty

Depression is never ending
Moods swings - terrible, mind uncontrollable,
Depression is being afraid of yourself!
Not knowing who you are!

Depression is not caring if you are alive or dead!
Holding those tablets,
Willing yourself, daring yourself to take them,
1, 2, 3......sense says no more

Depression is waiting because maybe one day
The sensible side will have gone away!
Depression wants to finish your pain,
Depression does not want you to wake up again!

Depression is falling from a high to a low,
Crashing down, hurting more, each time you go
Knowing how nice it is to feel a bit better
Only to have it snatched away leaving you bitter!

Pain flooding back into your head!
The inner voice saying
‘You know you’re not worthy of feeling good’,
Of being helped!
You were to blame!
You led them on you little slut,
You made those men fulfil their lusts!

I mourn my child-self,
Innocence stolen,
Led on, Lied to,
Used, abused!
Only wanting friendship, genuine love,
Not pain, abuse, lies or your lust!

So I think I am Mental,
Crazy’s tattooed on my soul,
I am lost and frightened
Of what I’ve become
I dare not reach out for help,
It’s like admitting I’m mad,
No-one can save me,
I’m just MAD!

Anonymous posted on 28/12/2011


I wore and wear a neon sign,
Right above my head,
It’s been there such a long time,
Words shining out, not read
To most of us invisible,
Though not invisible to all
A beacon to the nasty ones!
Who like it when you’re small!

You saw my sign,
You read the words,
Then moved in for the kill,
Kind and lovely gentleman,
Ready for the thrill!
The thrill was slowly grooming me,
Making me believe,
You loved me for the child I was,
Not to fulfil your pervy need!

So slowly, very slowly,
You gained my love and trust,
You knew that it would take a while,
Making sure it wasn’t rushed!
‘Lets play a game, you’ll like it,
That is what you said,
I didn’t know about the sign
Flashing above my head!

Can you keep a secret?
You’ll be my special girl,
I shouldn’t really show you this,
Until you’re a big girl,
But as you are so special, I’ll let you have a look,
With that out came a photo,
From an inside an old car book.
Looking at a picture of a lady in the woods,
Laying there, with no clothes on,
Her legs spread wide apart!

Embarrassment and confusion,
That’s what it meant to me,
You pulled me close, for comfort
and sat me on your knee.
You took my hand and moved it,
To a place it shouldn’t be,
Smiled at me excitedly and said,
“Look what you’ve done to me!”

So hard, so big, so frightening,
I didn’t understand,
How could I, I was little and you a full grown man.
That was just the start of it,
The beginning of the end,
My mind is now so broken,
That it can never mend.

For years you took advantage,
Of that little girl,
You stole her life, her innocence,
You even stole her smile!
Now that little girl is dead,
She died that very day,
When she saw that photograph,
You stole her life away!

You changed her course,
You stole her map
of how her life should be,
Forever damaged and ‘shop soiled’,
she knew she would never be free,
You won, she lost, she’s damaged.
That person is now me!

Anonymous posted on 18/11/2011

Dear child within.
Your teardrops fall like hot rain on my cheek, I become very anxious, I can feel your pain.
I am so sorry this evil was forced apon you, it’s over now what more can I do?
You hide and you scream “why must this be me” I’ve tasted, I’ve felt and I’ve seen what you see.
The pain!!!! It’s so intense, so excruciating yet it seems to increase. When will it stop, When will they leave, Don’t worry my child soon you will be free.
If I told you “I love you” would it help make it cease? It is true I promise you won’t always plead.
I must be what he will not, A parent to guide you and set your childhood and innocence free.
Please don’t cry, I know you are sad but together we can make it, Surely life won’t always be this bad.
I will guard you, Protect you my child, I am the adult here on the outside.
My frightened child within please don’t cry, I will always be forever at your side.

Anonymous posted on 05/07/2011

We sit in silence with downcast eyes
Abuse has taken your voice
Physical pain has deafened cries
Children given no choice
Struggling with anger, depression and fear
Trying to start again
Time for change, move on from tears
Speak out, walk tall, I'm hearing your pain

- a facilitator

Anonymous posted on 01/07/2011

When these miss you days are the coldest
We draw your faces on the wall
It covers the heart wrenching suffering faced by you all
Condensation drips from iced windows inside
These are tears that are cold to touch
Yet inside you are burning with fire
Will you submit and make that fall
Don't fear for your screams
We hear all your calls
Don't be missing from your family
Your daughters and sons
Be braver than the weaker
Be yourself and become at home

Anonymous posted on 01/07/2011

I started the programme with thoughts in my head.....of dread
I wanted to stay in bed
These wonderful women around me were sad....I felt bad
As the weeks passed by we talked of these guys
We had a good cry
We wished they would die
We learnt that these feelings were normal and real
We could express our anger and say how we feel
I still feel so sad about what happened to me
But my abuser is gone and now I am free
In my life there are people who still make me feel sad
But now I have learnt it is them who are Bad

Anonymous posted on 18/05/2011

Forever Hope

From a deep depression, how did I cope?
I step forward and see glimmers of hope,
Like beautiful sun-rays
that dance in the distance,
I want to go to them
But I meet resistance
Fearing what I’ll face on my way
Remembering memories I had stored away!

I know I have to face my foe
But remembering brings back feelings
from a long time ago
And as I remember, I feel the pain,
Fresh and upsetting I live it again.
Suddenly back to being nine
Child-me is dead!
I visit my shrine

But in remembering I steal back some power
Each time I face one the child in me cowers
You still control the way I think
But gradually little by little you sink
Now I’m taking back some control
By facing my demons
I’m making me whole

So as I look to brightness in the distance
I question myself and my own existence
But I now know that I am strong
And with support I’ll begin to belong
To myself and not to you
You’ve had enough, I’m battling through
what you did to me was so wrong
but it’s in the here and now I belong!

I cannot change what you did,
You took my innocence
I was just a kid
And sadly though I hate to say
The child in me died that day,
And all the days and weeks and years
That followed on while you did what you did!
And for that I hope you’ve gone to hell
Because that’s where I’ve been
I’m an empty shell!

Abuse doesn’t last for a day or a week,
No, it lasts a lifetime,
memories frightening and bleak
A death sentence
That’s what you dished out for me
The child in me died when you touched her,
you see.
Sadness for that poor little girl
I mourn her passing
She was only a child.

Anonymous posted on 02/05/2011

Thanks to survivor for latest poetry, just beautiful. This was written for her by a friend,
I know life can be hard
No, actually damn cruel
the trials we have to face
we fight
no time to re-fuel
I know the days seem endless
without a light ahead
But Barbara (name changed) the strength I see
you glow with nothing said
you have a friend in me
to lean on if need be
I have experienced and felt the same
and life was such doom and gloom
But as I faced all my pain
I have grown with life and bloomed
I'm not saying you will forget
but the sun will begin to shine
with all the strengths from this group
we will heal you with time

Anonymous posted on 27/04/2011

The Journey to hell

I am now upon my journey,
Of discovery,
To discover why I’m who I am,
And events that made me, me!
Long ago you changed my course,
You changed my life to come,
You changed me into somebody I shouldn’t have become!

The little girl so innocent,
Believing all you said,
She trusted you implicitly,
Believed all the lies you fed,
To her you were a hero,
A friend, a pal, a chum,
A person who she dearly loved,
How could she be so dumb!

You started off with subtlety,
To see how she’d react,
But you’d done your job so well,
With gentleness and tact,
She didn’t see it coming,
How could she, just a child,
The touching and the stroking,
Tenderly and mild!

But from that day of the first touch,
You stole what wasn’t yours,
You stole the little girl’s innocence,
You broke the love and trust!
You blamed her for making you,
Do the things you did,
But who was to blame really?
The grown man or the kid?

Now that little girls grown up,
So many things left unsaid,
A screwed up, messed up woman,
Not an innocent little kid,
As a grownup I hate you,
For what you did to me,
You stole my childhood memories,
You stole my life from me!


Anonymous posted on 30/03/2011

You can mend, you can heal, you can win, we can hear you, you can beat this!

Anonymous posted on 14/03/2011

Who am I?
Who is the real me?

I am broken
Can I be mended? We’ll see!

I am alone, isolated
Trapped by my brain
Imprisoned in the past!

Am I worthy?
No, not me!
I am damaged!
Unworthy of love or compassion!

Can I beat this?
I do not know!
Ghosts from my past
Own my thoughts!

Depressed, on my own,
Surrounded by people
But still alone!

Screaming for help,
But nobody hears me!
No voice, silent screams,
All in my head!

I am dead now,
Body just going through the motions
Of everyday life!
I give up! They win, I lose!

Anonymous posted on 13/03/2011


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